The Nothing Dragon Slayer's Misadventures in Fairy Tail
by Minipa
Summary: Can anyone say SI? One day I'm reading bad Fanfiction, then... I'm living it. With only two abilities of great mystery, I must fight against the forces of true, prime, unspeakable, unthinkable, immeasurable, and incomprehensible evil. This is the greatest story you will ever lay your plebian eyes upon. Prepare your anus, because HERE WE GO! Also, fuck canon.
1. CH1 - Character Selection

**Chapter 1 - Character Selection**

"Speech" – Human/Creature Speech

' _Thoughts'_ – Human/Creature Thoughts

" **Speech** " – Demon/Dragon/God Speech

' _ **Thoughts'**_ – Demon/Dragon/God Thoughts

Attacks – Attacks and Incantations

 **Just a little something that popped in my head one morning. Also read the below lines, it should trigger you and make you want to kill yourself. Thanks!**

 **DON'T LIKE DON'T READ, NO FLAME, MY STORY MY RULES, INSECURE 13 YEAR OLD COMBO GO!**

 **LevixErenxMikasa but dominatrix only!**

 **OCxHaremxEveryonexMarySuexGaryStu**

 **ALL HAIL THE REALITY DRAGON SLAYER GOD**

 **PRAISE NARUTO SENJU UCHIHA TRUMP HYUGA KURAMA AKIMICHI TAKOYAKI SANDER-SAMA**

 **PRAISE ONTO THEE, THE POWER OF THE CRUSH BLUSH**

 **For those of you wondering where the Trope Discussions are, they will be put in a different story called 'Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing'**

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 **IMPORTANT NOTE: PLEASE READ THE STORY IN 1/2 SETTING FOR BEST SPACING.**

 **May 5, 2018 Update: Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!**

 **May 7, 2018 Update: Part I of Trope Discussion Video Series is out! Go on youtube and put the following in the url:** **watch?v=FyMKFVSZCLM**

* * *

What a day! Woke up, did absolutely nothing, ate a bunch of random junk food around my house and sat down to drink some tea. I wonder, should I _write_ my fanfiction or _read_ fanfiction.

 _Decisions, decisions._

On one hand, writing fanfiction is perfect for relieving the creative stress that was just oozing out from staying up to 3:00am thinking of imaginative scenarios that probably won't happen in real life. But on the other hand, _reading_ fanfiction takes absolutely no effort or skill whatsoever.

 _But…_

The shitty OC's! I love reading OC stories but they are always Mary Sue, badly written, wise beyond their years, and/or OP! Hell some of them even use…defiantly in place of definitely. That's a guaranteed fill on the cringe meter right there!

What if I go read Svane Vulfbad's story on fanfiction advice? I actually enjoyed that shit more than I did those self-fulfillment cancer written by teenage girls.

As I turned on my I9-7900x processor, 2x GTX 1080ti, 64GB DDR4 Ram… _okay enough of that_. As I turn on my computer, I waited about 3.5 seconds before seeing my desktop screen, thanks to the M.2 SSD that I… _ok last time I promise._

As soon as it turns on, I shoot straight for google chrome and open my bookmarked pages of Fairy Tail fanfiction exceeding 20,000 words.

 _I wonder if there are any new interesting stories._

Scrolling down the page, I read through the summary, scanning and filtering out and stories that could have potential, then bookmarking them for later. Respect to those authors who put 'DON'T LIKE DON'T READ', 'NO FLAMES PLEASE', or 'GIVE THIS STORY A TRY'. Really saves me the time of not reading the summary so I can just skip through.

 _Wait what's going on?!_

On my screen, I noticed that the mouse kept scrolling and scrolling, exactly like what happens when you accidentally dump water on it and it no longer responds!

What the actual fuck? Everything's black! I don't remember being this drunk or high since last year! Wait, what happened to my computer? I didn't delete my internet browsing history! NOO!

… _I feel like I'm floating._

Did I actually pass out from eating too much junk food? I don't remember it was possible to get a psychedelic experience from LAYS potato chips. Seriously I need to file a complaint or something. Say something like 'I am recording this message' and just shout at them then they can't talk shit back, hehe.

 _Wait, what is that?_

From the almighty encampment of full darkness, a brilliant white light came to be, revealing a chubby man wearing an _extremely_ pompous royal outfit with a symbol showing two huge white 'F's resembling a gate with a weird 'A' and a 'N' in between.

 _That's the Fanfiction logo!_

 **"I am the god of ALL Fanfiction!"** he spoke in a generic fat guy voice. The nasal sounds did _not_ fit the rumbling god voice at all! But whatever, I'll bite!

"The fuck do you want?"

 **"I, and the other gods of ALL Fanfiction were having a party, and decided to pick ONE random author and send him to another world for OUR enjoyment!"**

Okay the random emphasis on certain words is starting to get annoying. It's like some asshole on skype that speaks too close to the mic because they think that it's cool or some shit.

 _Damn whatever I took, it was some good shit…_

"Okay then."

 **"PERFECT, we ROLLED a dice to decide which world to send you to, and we came up with…"** the sound of a drum roll bombarded my ears. **"…FAIRY TAIL!"**.

Hah! I know that show inside and out, as long as I get some cool shit I won't have to worry!

"Oh Question! What happens if I die in that world?" That question _needed_ to be asked, I don't want any of that Sword Art Online die in this world die in the real world bullshit.

 **"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, but if you last LONG enough, we will give you a prize! In the REAL world!"** As the 'god' said that, it started flaring its fat arms around, trying to mimic some sort of…something? Seriously I don't know what that is. Well whatever, not going to question this.

"Oh a prize you say? Do you think I can get some…DANK memes?" I smiled to myself, that's the greatest treasure any twenty-one-year old can attain!

 **"That is NOT an ACCEPTABLE PRIZE."**

Figures. Not even a god will be able to grant such a powerful gift. This probably isn't real anyway so I'll just get something stupid.

"Okay, just give me a cookie then."

 **"…ARE you SURE? I can give you RICHIES beyond your WILDEST DREAMS!"**

"You know what…" a devilish smile plastered itself on my face, the god narrowing his eyes in anticipation for when I reveal my greatest desires.

"Give me…two cookies."

The god simply froze, staring at me like he just got an AFK in ranked league of legends solo queue. Nevertheless, he simply gave a huge sigh before continuing.

 **"It is DONE. Now, we have decided to give you a measure of POWERS and ABILITIES to complement your stay in the other world. HERE, is a list of possible CHOICES! You may choose TWO!"**

Possible choices? Woah, we're diving into Mary Sue territory here, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What am I going to do? Become a dragon slayer, join team Natsu, literally change nothing in Canon and take battles from other protagonists? PREPOSTEROUS! Oh wait that's been done so many times might as well call it the generic OC formula.

Oh for those of you wondering what that is: Bad grammar + no paragraph spacing + some guy named Kai or Alex + Dragon slayer magic + Generic back story + 'Mysterious Past' in the summary + no rippling changes to Canon = OC story! Procs to all those that successfully mastered this formula!

But anyway, let's take a look at what powers I can have! It seemed to be some sort of holographic skill-set choosing menu, and behind it, the god was…texting on some sort of phone. Anyways! Let's see what we have here...

 _1\. Ice Dragon Slayer Magic_

Now THAT's a big no-no, might as well make myself a girl and go gay for Gray if that's the case. I can already imagine just 2v1'ing Erigor with Natsu during the Eisenwald arc with that. Ok, next!

 _2\. Gravity Dragon Slayer Magic_

Sounds like what a Sue family member will choose, next!

 _3\. Water Dragon Slayer Magic_

Can somebody say CLICHÉ? Next!

 _4\. Potato Dragon Slayer_

Now THAT's a fucking meme! I am so tempted to choose this but that would probably be useless as hell. What am I supposed to do with Potato Dragon slayer magic anyway?

 _A giant dragon, made of some weird brown matter flew around the skies, barfing up hundreds of thousands of potatoes all over Fiore in his roaring rampage._

That is actually so dumb I just physically hurt myself, anyways next magic.

 _5\. Everything Dragon Slayer Magic_

Okay you know what? I'm going to skip all the slayer magics cause just reading this is giving me herpes.

 _Slayer, slayer, slayer, slayer, slayer, slayer…_

Holy actual shit, does this fanfiction god have _zero_ imagination? There are literally thousands of magics that are _not_ slayer magic. It's like a list of ' _how stupid of an element I can make a dragon have'_ made by drunk twelve year old's that should not even be allowed outside of their parent's supervision! Some of these aren't even an element!

 _Okay, I don't have time for this garbage._

"Hey god guy!"

The old chubby god, who seemed like he was talking on some sort of…phone earlier, looked up to me in confusion.

 **"Hmm? Have you MADE a decision yet?"**

"Actually, can you filter out all the slayers? Just looking at them is giving me cancer."

 _ **'Fuck's sake, we should have picked that 13 year old girl named Emily, she would have picked a water dragon slayer right off the bat!**_ **'** The god thought out loud.

 _I can hear you, you know…_

With a wave of his hand, the god eliminated almost 99.9% of all the pages on the magic selection page. Where only two magics remain.

 _1,999,920. Angel-soul take over magic_

Number 1,999,920?! There were almost _TWO MILLION_ slayer magics? Jesus bloody christ this guy needs to go to the nearest discount store and buy out the imagination tablets and just overdose on them already. Not choosing this one though, sounds like a pre-cursor to a badly written OCxMira - I'm going to call her fucking Janey if I meet her, yeah screw tropes.

 _1,999,921. Self-choice._

I could have chosen myself…all this time? Wow, imagine if some kid actually looked through all of the dumb elemental slayers just to discover they can choose two of their own powers.

 _Hmmm…_

A sly smile crept up to my face, as I knew exactly what powers I was going to choose.

"Hey god guy, I made my decision!"

 **"Oh? And what magic did you choose?"**

"I choose, self-choice!"

The god began pinching the bridge of his nose, obviously not amused.

Sighing, the god thought out loud again, _**'And we still have two more freaking questions to go through…I need ten thousand drinks after this.'**_

 _Does he seriously not know that his thoughts are echoing through this entire space?_

Whatever, let him do him.

"I want Obito's Kamui, and Gilgamesh's Gates of Babylon…with everything in it!" I smirked to myself, EA was kind of OP but I'll let the god figure out the balancing mechanics.

 **"Ok fine,"** he began, snapping his fingers. **"Now next question…do you plan on going as a boy or as a girl?"**

What type of dumb question is that? Did he do this before with some fat millennial manlet that wanted a Yuri harem? But wait…

"I want to go as an Apache Helicopter!"

 **"That is not a real gender…"**

"Yes it is!"

 **"No it's not."**

"Yes it is! And you have to use rockethe to address me!"

 **"NO. IT. ISN'T. YOU ARE BEING SENT AS YOU ARE NOW, END OF DISCUSSION!"**

Boy, I really pissed him off. Okay fine, CIS-gender male it is.

 **"Last freaking question, what back story do you plan to have in the new world?"**

Once again, the god made a list of choices for me, but this time with far less pages.

 _1\. Born in a small village, parents died, and was taken to the Tower of Heaven…_

Yeesh, too angsty, let's look for a happier one.

 _2\. Born in a war-torn country, parents killed and was forced into child slavery…_

Jesus Christ! What is this back story! This would make Erza want to give me some sort of mental-handjob! Absolutely not! Next!

 _3\. Makarov Dreyar's biological grandson, appearance will reflect this change…_

Definitely happier, but not my cup of tea.

 _4\. Found by the space dragon slayer, in which he parts onto you his special abilities_

Not bad, gives me an nice excuse on how I get my powers, but not really. Okay this is a horrible backstory it's like writing ten paragraphs of bullshit to explain a fuck-up instead of fixing a fuck-up in the first place.

 _*cough, horrible OC Mary Sue fanfiction, *cough._

 _5\. Mysterious past...[Only available to Ice Dragon Slayer]_

What?

 _6\. Parents died in…_

That was all I read before stopping. What was with all this dead parent stuff? Is that a god damned requirement in an OC? Is it that hard to believe some kid with _alive_ parents could turn out to be a decent mage? I mean, look at Laxus! His mother was pretty much never revealed but that doesn't mean she died! Not exactly a perfect example but he was still raised by Makarov! Ivan is also a cunt of a father…where was I going with this?

 _Screw it I'll pick it myself._

"I want to pick-"

 **"Just say it and get out of here…"**

Okayyy then. Whatever, I'm done floating in an endless space with an ugly fat guy anyway.

"I want to be born in a nice village with _loving_ parents, where I had an affinity with the magics I have chosen. Then at the age of sixteen, I moved out and left for a different country far away -Fiore-, in which I spent my days living alone on a mountain honing my magic."

Nice and easy, no dead parents, don't have to talk to people, and nobody close knows I'm alive, perfect for a new world! Seriously not everyone who reads/writes fanfiction have to be a friendless NEET hated by society who needs self-fulfillment.

 **"Done, now fuck off."** As soon as I saw him snap his fingers, I began spinning out of control like I was being flushed down a toilet.

Then everything went white.

...Wait, I forgot to ask for eternal mangekyou when I asked for Kamui, NOOO!

...

 **"Thank god he left..."** The fat god spoke, unzipping his entire body...to reveal a complete bombshell of a goddess underneath.

...

...

 **"Nope just kidding!"** 'she' spoke, as the goddess unzips another layer to reveal a even fatter male body with boat loads of chest hair :).

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 **Chapter 1 Done! Next Chapter: Into the New World!**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **May 5, 2018 Update: Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!**

 **Minipa, out!**


	2. CH2 - Dumped into a new world

**Chapter 2 - Dumped into a new World**

Nice and easy, no dead parents, don't have to talk to people, and nobody close knows I'm alive, perfect for a new world! Seriously not everyone who reads/writes fanfiction have to be a friendless NEET hated by society who needs self-fulfillment.

 **"Done, now fuck off."** As soon as I saw him snap his fingers, I began spinning out of control like I was being flushed down a toilet.

Then everything went white.

...Wait, I forgot to ask for eternal mangekyou when I asked for Kamui, NOOO!

* * *

"AHHH," I screamed, waking up violently in a prickly straw bed.

 _Was that a dream?_

No seriously though, did I just dream of everything because that totally could happen right? I mean the god is fat and all but he still could be…what the _hell_ was with this uncomfortable ass bed? Seriously I feel like I'm sleeping in a cardboard box used as a toilet by some homeless drug user!

Screw it, I'm getting up. It's not like people need sleep anyways. Reminds me of finals season where instead of studying I just read fanfiction then telling all my readers that I couldn't update because I had to study for finals. Hehe, suckers. That's trademarked by the way only I am allowed to use family members dying as an excuse to not take ten minutes out of a week to update.

ANYWAY, it's time to go outside!

 _This doesn't look like my house_ …

"Well looks like we're not in Kansas- the fuck am I saying I don't even live in the US what type of autistic shithead will actually say that seriously."

Everything looks like…lord of the rings. All the twigs and shit all looks like what you would find in the LOTR series. Wow, am I actually in Earthland?

Fuck I'm already high as hell might as well enjoy it.

"KAMUI!"

"…"

 _'Why isn't anything happening?_ '

What the fuck I thought shouting out names was how anime magic worked.

 _Hmmm…wait…_

Oh my fucking god, If I have to be super angry to unlock shit like those cancerous underdog OC's random unoriginal power boosts I'm going to kill myself. Well, time to call up fat and ugly Mr. God of all fanfiction again, not going to go through some montage training chapter that is obviously under written.

Why don't I learn fucking twelve other elemental magics, gain the Rinnegan and the ARC of BLOW EVERYTHING THE FUCK UP in a single sentence. Maybe I should cut off an arm or a leg or gouge my eyes out for a 'WHOOPS I made him too powerful let's give him an unnecessary disability' tactic. Nah that's only Mary Sue territory…wait even worse, that's HORRIBLE OC FANFICTION AUTHOR TERRITORY…NOOOO get me away from there!

Shit.

 _Only one thing to do._

"HEY FAT GUY!"

No answer.

"HEY FANFICTION GUY!"

NO answer.

"IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND RUIN YOUR FUN!"

 **"NO ANSWER!"**

"WOW THIS CLIFF LOOKS AWFULLY HIGH, WOULD BE A SHAME IF I TRIPPED AND F-"

 **"ALRIGHT, I'M HERE!"** The familiar form of the fat and pompous miscreant finally popped into existence. **"WHAT. DO YOU WANT?!"**

"Mind giving me an instruction manual on this shit? 'Open sesame' doesn't exactly work on the Gates of Babylon you know."

 **"INSTRUCTION MANU- okay you know what? Here, take this encyclopedia on EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW JUST ASK IT LIKE A SEARCH ENGINE AND IT WILL TELL YOU!"**

"Wow thanks that's pretty usef-"

 **"GOOD. FUCKING. BYE."**

As soon as the god finished shouting his farewell, he simply vanished into the air.

…

First guy successfully trolled! He's probably banging his head on Critics United's door to try and get my story reported! Not going to happen cause I'm a good boy.

Anyways, let's have a look of this book.

The book was…okay it's just a fucking book. Like what type of autistic dipshit doesn't know what a book looks like? I don't need like ten paragraphs describing this either so just go google 'mystical spell tome' and there you have it.

I'm not even going to say what I'm wearing either because I don't give a fuck.

Regardless, the book had all blank pages despite being thicker than your mother. Which was completely pointless because the fat ass could have just given me a freaking piece of paper instead of this unnecessarily large piece of horse-smegma.

 _Sigh…let's try this._

"Book, how do I use Kamui?"

In response to my command, the book simply made this black rippling effect before coalescing into…cursive. Seriously?

"Book, give me the instructions in English print…and not in 'Comic Sans' please."

 _ **To use Kamui: simply think on its effects, and it shall happen.**_

Mental commands huh? That makes a lot more sense. Goku will probably win magical fights if overall strength was determined by volume. Okay, let's try this.

 _'Kamui - intangible!'_

Instantly I felt a little 'ting' in my body. Cool. I'm going to kick this tree to see if my foot goes through it!

 _Come on, come on…YES!_

As my foot made contact, it…didn't. It was as if the tree wasn't there.

'BUT WHAT IF YOU FALL THROUGH THE GROUND - no shut the fuck up with your plot hole bullshit and just imagine that I wrote ten paragraphs of unrecyclable human waste explaining why I didn't.'

Considering my other foot was still on solid ground, there must have been some subconscious defense against having dumb shit happen with Kamui, nice! - _Hah_

If I can put my foot up a tree, then I can shove it up someone's ass if they piss me off! I could use Kamui - get it in, then use it again to get it stuck there! Okay that's a horrible idea why would I even want my foot up someone's ass wow that is disturbing.

Okay so Kamui is pretty simple, literally just think it and it happens.

 _Hmm…what about teleporting?_

I remember that Kamui had this blocky landscape if you actually suck yourself in. Maybe I can skip that cause I don't want to go to some creepy New Jersey place and get stuck there.

Wait, speaking of Kamui, do I even have a Sharingan? It's not like I specifically asked for one anyway. How do I even check? Okay I need a mirror.

 _Gates of Babylon, get me a god damned mirror._

Thankfully, a rippling portal appeared and with it, a gigantic fully vanity set just popped out and fell onto the ground. It's like I need to give this some specific commands like some sort of subpar 1st year university programing class.

 _Get me a god damned handheld mirror._

As soon as I thought it, the giant vanity set disappeared back into a rippling portal, instead where a regular head sized mirror took its place.

Let's see…

Activating Kamui, I didn't notice my eyes become red and any comma's appear - yes I called them comma's if you're triggered then go fuck off to your safe space you donkey!

A huge smile gradually spread along my face. No sharingan, no blindness! Easy peazy lemon squeezy hehe XD.

Oh boy! All the weapons of Gilgamesh, now that's going to be fun. Firing an entire salvo of swords while shoving Ea straight up their ass. I can just think of the possibilities.

 _Come forth! Ea!_

Nothing happened.

 _The fuck?_

That should have worked? Where's my spinning playground tic tac toe weapon of death? Where's the red labyrinth thunder thing that appears?

…

Oh wait, Gilgamesh had this weird key thing that he had to turn to take Ea out. Okay let's try that.

 _Ea key!_

A rippling portal appeared, and with it, the exact key that Gilgamesh used in Fate Zero on the bridge with rider and completely donkey-dumpstered the guy into next year!

Gripping the golden handle, I turned it, the anticipation began filling me. Various emotions, excitement, fear, nervousness, began filling my body. It was only matched in intensity by the rigorous beating of my heart and the constant convulsions of my veins due to the massive doses of adrenalin. This was it, everything came up to this moment. Closer and closer, the key turned towards all the way. As soon as I heard the resounding clang, I knew it was happening. I shall achieve what I could have never achieved…Ea.

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…

BUT YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

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 **Chapter 2 Done! Next Chapter: Screw Grinding!**

 **Yes that's actually the chapter end, don't like it? Submit a complaint and I'll read it on February 30th :)**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	3. CH3 - Levels and Trainers

**Chapter 3 - Levels and Trainers**

 _Ea key!_

A rippling portal appeared, and with it, the exact key that Gilgamesh used in Fate Zero on the bridge with rider and completely donkey-dumpstered the guy into next year!

Gripping the golden handle, I turned it, the anticipation began filling me. Various emotions, excitement, fear, nervousness, began filling my body. It was only matched in intensity by the rigorous beating of my heart and the constant convulsions of my veins due to the massive doses of adrenalin. This was it, everything came up to this moment. Closer and closer, the key turned towards all the way. As soon as I heard the resounding clang, I knew it was happening. I shall achieve what I could have never achieved…Ea.

…

…

BUT YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

* * *

Instead of the god damned weapon of mass destruction heavy nuke why-didn't-Gilgamesh-nuke-Shirou-first-move-and-die-to-his-own-idiocy, I got a big flat rectangle saying words less attractive then Sarah Jessica Parker drawn by middle school deviant art users.

 _ **Level not reached: unable to use weapon**_

WHAT?!

Did this turn into some garbage gamer crossover? I bet one of the fucking fanfiction gods were all like 'Hey let's give him levels and shit - hahahaha' - 'BALANCE MECHANICS 101' - Yeah I hope you get explosive diarrhea without access to a washroom, you overweight neck-bearded troglodytes.

Anyways, my level wasn't bloody high enough! What was my level anyway? Level 1? Hehe - or maybe level 1337. Okay completely ignore that number that's venturing past the edge-lord boundary in the city of cringe.

 _Book, what's my level?_

 _ **Your overall level is 1.**_

Ah hell. Level bloody 1. Can I get some pay to play loot boxes or some shit that can give me exp? What if I get some random asshole with no life to boost me like I did in Dota cause I'm garbage?

 _Book, what's easiest way to raise my level?_

 _ **Grind.**_

Fuck! I hate grinding! I already cut logs in Runescape for ten hours a day for two months in middle school, give me a break!

As I said that, I couldn't help but veer towards the massive forest of willow trees in the distance. What if I can get level 99 woodcut- ANYWHO, I need to get this Ea shit figured out. Since I'm bloody level 1, can I even use the other weapons? There's got to be an AFK method to level up.

 _Book, what are the limitations of having a low level?_ '

 _ **You are limited by the amount of magic you have, you simply do not have enough of it to summon Ea, your current limit allows you summon up to 2 A class weapons, 4 B class weapons, and so on.**_

 _ **For your Kamui, you are only limited by the distance of teleportation.**_

Fuck grinding!

 _Book, show me my stats!_

 _ **Agility: 1**_

 _ **Vitality: 1**_

 _ **Dexterity: 1**_

 _ **Intelligence: 1**_

 _ **Wisdom: 1**_

 _ **Strength: 1**_

 _ **HP: 100/100, regen - 1 point per minute.**_

 _ **MP: 1000/1000, regen - 10 points per minute.**_

Nope, nope nope nope, not going to deal with this garbage.

 _Book, show me the debug menu!_

 _ **You do not have access-**_

 _UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START!_

 _ **Debug menu opened.**_

 _Good, now change my fucking MP to infinity/infinity_

 _ **Change initiated…adjusting levels to maximum…complete.**_

Perfect, now to see if it worked.

 _Book, show me my stats!_

 _ **Agility: 1**_

 _ **Vitality: 1**_

 _ **Dexterity: 1**_

 _ **Intelligence: 1**_

 _ **Wisdom: 1**_

 _ **Strength: 1**_

 _ **HP: 100/100**_

 _ **MP: 99999/99999**_

Perfect, now the ultimate test. I shouldn't have to use the annoyingly complex piece of shit key anymore, so here goes.

 _Come forth, Ea!_

The familiar red cylinder descended from a golden portal.

Yes! The dildo whacker of ultimate legendary death is here! Who knows maybe it might be strong enough to singe a hair on one of those OC Mary Sue's at full power.

As I felt the weapon, I could feel it rumbling with power, or rather, rupturing with power. Get it? Cause it's the sword of rupture? No? Good cause if you do then you are a useless millennial who gets off at horrible puns.

"ENUMA ELISH!"

To my satisfaction, the cyclone of neon rave lights began spinning violently all around, until it destroyed maybe about 20 meters of land in front of me.

 _That was some weak ass shit…book, what gives!_

 _ **Your Ea mastery is still at level 1, experience will be gained through repeated usage.**_

You know what, I am not dealing with this gamer rubbish, I'm going to max out all my stats with the debug then closing the menu permanently.

 _Book, open the debug menu!_

 _ **You do not have access.**_

 _Sigh…UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START!_

 _ **Incorrect password, access is denied.**_

Those fanfiction gods… _changed_ the password on me! Straight up cunts! Greasy-haired twat-faced virgin reddit-lurking inbred fucks! Fuck it I'm going to use a trainer.

 _Book, put all possible and future points on Vitality and use all perks on HP and MP regeneration!_

 _ **Action completed, twelve points have been put into Vitality, your HP has increased to 176/176.**_

Heh heh, now I'll be this untouchable unkillable bastard that can spam annoying shit. I can't wait to fuck with people and they can't even punch me hah! Oh yeah, one more thing.

 _Book, put all 'gamer' related bullshit notifications to off._

 _ **Action completed.**_

Now that's done, I can finally figure out what the fuck I am doing here. What am I going to do, spam word count by copy and pasting the stat info with a fuck ton of random useless skills that nobody wants to fucking read about? _Wow you got ten different passives we don't need and 20 paragraphs with the SAME bloody definition repeating._

Anyways, time to explore.

As I turned back to my little run down shack that probably can't even be rented out to illegal Mexicans for $50/month, I realized that I didn't need that shit anymore. Whatever I need, I'll just take out of the gate of everything because apparently that's totally balanced.

"Enuma Elish!"

The same party lasers came up and one-shotted the house. Leaving no survivors.

 _Oh shit did I kill someone? Book, who the fuck did I kill._

 _ **Your exceed named Flora.**_

What? Well that's one trope gone. I don't give a ounce of horse semen as nobody needs another OC bloody cat anyways. It's like I fucked the entire world up just not choosing a dragon slayer. OC exceeds just fall off and interactions become forced anyway because *cough horrible writing *cough.

I'm a strong independent character that don't need some useless support comedic relief role meant to reinforce some Nakama shit. As I thought that, a single italicized line started appearing on a translucent rectangle hovering on top of the book in my hands.

 _ **Hi.**_

.

.

.

.

.

.

No you're a fucking book you don't get to be character in this story. What do you think this is? 'This bites'? You trying to take the bloody snail's role or something?

No fuck you.

Take your fake Chinese leather looking-ass outta here!

Angrily, I dumped the book into the Kamui dimension, never to be seen again.

 _ **Nooooooooo…*middle finger emoji***_

Its speech bubble began slowly warping into the Kamui dimension, with its voice distorting into the distance.

Did that bastard just finger me? Yep, he's definitely staying there, I'll take him out when I need to ask about important shit. The only one who gets to make retarded references and comments is me!

"Nobody but me!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" As I laughed manically at my evil intentions, the clear sky, was suddenly replaced by rain clouds where lightning began dancing down, a single beam travelling towards the ground.

"No! You don't get to do this!" I pointed at the lightning.

The lightning stopped mid fall.

"Take your evil laughter thunder unoriginal cow dung and go back to 'Shitty cartoon clichés' Inc! Nobody needs this repeated garbage in cartoon network that was never funny in the first place!"

The lightning retracted back to the clouds and the sun was showing again.

Now that I'm no longer experiencing the amount of stupidity that can be found in a high school math group full of Asians playing league of legends, I can finally walk!

Oh shit, what year is it?

 _Book, what date is it?_

 _ **X781, June 10, you fucking cunt.**_

Yeah the book's staying there. I don't need any attitude as I already get enough from my party members in Overwatch when I lag and play Hanzo. Anyways, X781 June 10? Hey! That's my birthday, awesome!

Okay birthday over back to exploring.

As I walk towards the forest, heavily resisting the urge to take out an axe, I noticed there was a massive cave at the very top of a mountain beside my house. How I didn't see it before, could only remain a mystery.

Nah I'm just kidding it's probably because I'm a blind fuck.

.

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.

 **Chapter 3 Done! Next Chapter: The Trope Dragon!**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	4. CH4 - The Trope Dragon

**Chapter 4 - The Trope Dragon**

 _ **X781, June 10, you fucking cunt.**_

Yeah the book's staying there. I don't need any attitude as I already get enough from my party members in Overwatch when I lag and play Hanzo. Anyways, X781 June 10? Hey! That's my birthday, awesome!

Okay birthday over back to exploring.

As I walk towards the forest, heavily resisting the urge to take out an axe, I noticed there was a massive cave at the very top of a mountain beside my house. How I didn't see it before, could only remain a mystery. Nah I'm just kidding it's probably because I'm a blind fuck.

Now off to the cave!

* * *

Easy shit, screw climbing, I'm just going to Kamui my ass straight to the top. No problem there, perfect plan.

 _Kamuing_!

Like I said, no issue at all. What did you think was going to happen? Some random bullshit that made me have to climb up? Yeah no. ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

Now, let's see what's inside this cave which probably has some sort of beast in it. But if it attacks me I'm going to Ea him straight to Mashima's dildo collection because he apparently fucks himself with every single one with every chapter he released in the recent years.

Onwards!

As I enter the cave, I could not see any light…then I will bring a god damned lantern.

 _Lantern!_

A rippling portal appeared, handing me a lit glass lantern which easily illuminated the entire cave. There was literally nothing special about the cave, seriously go find a random cave and just look at it. What's so special about describing a enclosed space made of rocks?

Continuing, I go deeper and deeper, until I hit a dead end with absolutely nothing interesting.

Well that's that.

 _ **Rumble.**_

 _Well, looks like whatever beast I'm expecting woke up._

 **"I HAVE AWOKEN!"** The rocks suddenly broke apart to reveal a giant blue dragon with a…Fanfiction logo tattooed onto its chest.

"Yes I can see that, any reason why?"

 **"Because it is 8:35am you prick maybe I woke up because I want to have a healthy sleeping habit and not because of your overly important sense of individuality, why do you have to make everything about you?"** The dragon put his claws onto his hips before waving an accusatory finger towards me.

"Ok whatever." $5 this dragon is a vegan."Who are you anyway?"

In response to my question, the dragon simply snickered, both of his arms raised above his head, ready for a grand introduction.

 **"My name…IS NARUTO SENJU UCHIHA NAMIKAZE UZUMAKI!"**

WHAT THE FUCK?! That is the most brain-tumour inducing name I have ever heard! I feel like drowning my ears in hydrochloric acid just hearing that.

The dragon lowered his arms, putting an 'I have an idea' finger in front of him. **"Oh and I am the Trope Dragon God King."**

The TROPE dragon?

 _'What the hell does it even roar out?'_ I thought, as I began imagining the dragon attacking a city.

 _ **'Trope Dragon Roar! The great blue dragon exclaimed, hundreds of horribly written fanfics all coming out of his ass instead of his mouth, bombarding the entire country and forcing civilians to magically gain the ability to read, just so they can suffer the torture of eight year old Kai's or whatever knowledge of 'too much evil in this world' and his bloody 14 different elemental slayer magics.**_

 _ **But, many didn't suffer. Instead screaming to the skies. 'MOAR', 'UPDATE PLEASE', 'THIS IS A GREAT STORY KEEP IT UP', 'UPDATEEEEEEEEEE', and so on. The initial drop of the horrible trope fanfics disabled the minds of the majority, bringing them acute autism of the highest degree, forcing the encouragement of the Trope dragon, causing great devastation to all the lands'**_

Holy Jesus and fuck me in the ass, that is a TERRIFYING power. I would dare say Acnologia has no chance against this Naruto Senju Uchiha - I want to drink bleach from saying that bloody name.

"Is there something else I can call you? That name…is a bit of a mouthful." I tried to make it sound as inconspicuous as possible in the thought that I think the dragon's name is more disturbing than two girls one cup.

 **"Hmm, that's true. Just call me Oberon."**

…

 _Sigh…_

"Okay then, Auberon," fuck you, you fat ass American McDonalds dragon.

 **"Well** _ **Excuse**_ **me! It's Oberon, Oh-beron! With the letter 'O'"** The dragon tried to emphasize the 'O' sound by making an 'o' face but it was physically impossible for something incapable of horizontal movements in its jaws.

"Shut up the rightful term is _Au_ -beron! Like Audi with an Au but still Oh-beron!" Seriously does this guy not know the Germanic origins of that name?

 **"Well that's** _ **MY**_ **bloody name isn't it? I don't need you questioning my life choices! Why don't you take your potato potahto and shove it straight up your rectum!"**

Yeah, this argument is completely pointless and its like arguing with people on the internet literally just a waste of time but the level of insecurity makes everybody constantly reply back.

"You know what? I don't give a shit about your name, Mr. Fairy King! The fuck is a trope dragon anyway? What do you even roar?" As soon as I mentioned that question, the dragon completely 180'd, his original frown replaced with a sly smile.

Why couldn't it be some sort of technology dragon? Maybe it can barf out a computer so I can write a fanfiction of how much I want to kill myself right now. Or maybe get some sort of Mind Dragon and have it eat the thoughts of making every garbage OC that gets pumped out of a disease-ridden elephant's backside.

 **"I do not roar, at least, not in the conventional sense."** The dragon seems to be doing some sort of ultimate preparing ritual, ready to unleash its deadly roar of ultimate dying death.

 _Heh, I'm intangible, he can't touch me._

The dragon, instead of roaring, began coughing and singing the scales.

 _Is he clearing his throat?_

 **"Okay, here I go."**

The dragon took a deep breath, one deep enough to make it seem he had some sort of dangerous chest tumour.

 **"He was…Naruto Senju Uchiha Namikaze Uzumaki. He had sun-kissed blonde hair and his cerulean eyes were the deepest shade of blue. On his face, three whisker marks-"**

What no! What is this technique?

 **"…and he was wearing-"**

"I Know what Naruto looks like, PLEASE STOP!"

 **"Harem."**

My eyes began bulging out from my sockets. "No! You can't do this!"

 **"Look on my profile for the poll for who you want to be in the Harem."**

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I GIVE, STOP IT PLEASE!" How can he be this evil? What sort of sadistic tyrannical disgusting vile gruesome loathsome individual could possibly write a story and not have pairings preplanned and leave it up to the readers? *cough every harem fanfiction *cough. ABSOLUTELY APPALLING.

The dragon only smiled devilishly in response.

 **"Ever since Lisanna's return, Lucy has only received scorn from the other members of Team Natsu…as well as Lisanna herself!"**

I could feel my eyes widen, my heart beating vigorously against my chest. My breaths quickened and my blood ran cold. A chill went down my spine, an aura of hopelessness and despair all around me.

 **"She was kicked out of the team, resulting in her leaving the guild…"**

No please! What is this horrid soup of coagulated bull semen! No… Lucy's leaving Fairy Tail in a completely unrealistic setting! No!

 **"Only to find out her Mother Layla was the dragon queen of ALL elements, and yes that includes immaterial, metaphysical, and even abstract concepts! She was capable of eating them all!"**

My ears! Someone please give me Ebola already!

 **"Then, she will TRAIN for only ONE year and she will become a master of ALL those elements, and when she returns…"**

The evilest grin, far more evil than even when EA first started using microtransactions and downloadable content, appeared on the dragon's maw.

 **"SHE WILL JOIN SABERTOOTH."**

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in almighty anguish, unable to bear with the nonsensical torture that came out of Young thug's bunghole where the word 'spellcheck' is as imaginary as OCxHarem fanfiction authors' girlfriends!

No please! How can this even be possible! You can't master every element in ONE year! She can't eat thoughts, she can't have a past with Acnologia, AHH I can feel the AIDS already spreading in my veins!

"How can you be so corrupt, how can such a being whose malevolence exceeds the amount of knowledge in a six-year-old OC brother of Erza exist!"

 **"Do you understand my power now?"**

The dragon grinned at me, satisfied with his demonstration of strength.

 _There is nothing…not even Ea can overcome this opponent…I have to get out of here!_

"Yes, YES, I understand!"

 **"Then you must become the Trope Dragon Slayer!"**

"…"

Yeah no.

"See ya nerd!" I exclaimed before Kamuing my ass straight to the 4th dimension, with the dragon angrily yodeling behind.

 **"This is because of the toxicity of Capitalism!"**

K.

…

 _Damn that was close…_

Staying in that cave for any longer would have been extremely detrimental to my health.

I better get as far away as possible before one of my eyes change colour like to some dumb combination like gold and silver or rainbow and plasma.…

"Hey look a village!"

Yes I just said 'Hey look a village', I have done more idiotic things like having my ass lugged around a forest in a shopping cart because I was too drunk to walk.

For some weird reason, I feel like walking all the way to the village which was easily 5km away instead of Kamuing there instantly - why? I did not know. Not at all. Absolutely no reason at all.

Since I'm walking there anyway, how much of the canon should I fuck up? Should I just go all out fatalist and literally do nothing? Meh too overdone might as well be an ice dragon slayer with a mysterious past or Mr. I'm-not-creative-enough-to-think-of-a-proper-story-summary! What if I make a guild dedicated to trolling people? Should I just join Fairy Tail anyway just to fuck with them? I know! Maybe I can Ea the shit out of the tower of dicks that Jellal erected and dye his hair purple!

 _Hmm…all these decisions._

Well, we'll get there when we get there!

Anyways, I wonder what type of tragedy happened at that village? Maybe I should attack the village and kill some parents to build the backstory of some random protagonist.

 _Heh, heh._

That's pretty funny, instead of _having_ a mysterious past, I AM the mysterious past.

…

Nah that's even dumber than Natsu joining Fairy Tail in Darker Natsu stories.

Now off to the conveniently placed village!

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 **Chapter 4 Done! Next Chapter: The Sue Family!**

 **Check out my profile for a poll on who you want in the Harem!**

 **Jokes I'm a fucking 21 year old man reading fanfiction do I look like I am capable of getting a girlfriend? Jesus Christ it can't be self insert if some guy who** **goes on fanfiction and also** **looks like a tapeworm patient manages to get a harem.**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	5. CH5 - The Sue Family

**Chapter 5 - The Sue Family**

 _Heh, heh._

That's pretty funny, instead of having a mysterious past, I AM the mysterious past.

…

Nah that's even dumber than Natsu joining Fairy Tail in Darker Natsu stories.

Now off to the conveniently placed village!

* * *

So after walking through the forests and spamming 'Enuma Elish' for almost an hour, I managed to double the damage output on that weapon. I COMPLETELY annihilated a decent portion of nature and probably some ecosystem that nobody cares about.

Now, entering the village was of no consequence. I just walked in and nobody batted an eyelash, of course I'm wearing - whoah! Good thing I stopped myself there, wouldn't want to accidentally describe my own appearance! After everybody wants to know exactly what I look like right? You know the thing where people just type like a MAXIMUM ALL OUT paragraph of clothing description that really NOBODY gives a flying fuck about.

Seriously have you seen the descriptions for Naruto characters? Like how do you write 200 words on what Obito looks like? Not sure if that's cringe, autism, or a special type of genius right there.

Anyways, while I was walking through the village, I noticed that everybody was bummed out about something. I wonder what it could be?

"Hey you! Dumbass!"

One of the villagers turned to look at me, before widening his eyes at responding to that name.

"The fuck happened here?"

He was startled by my harshness, but proceeded to talk nevertheless.

"Dark mages came to our village, kidnapping and killing everyone they pleased…even our beloved mayor was killed, leaving his two children orphaned."

Called it, I bet there are some mysterious pasts in here.

"Okay," I began, "So where is the mayor's house? Trust me I'm legit."

The man simply stared at me before shrugging his shoulders.

"Just go to the edge of the town and look for the house in the worst condition." He pointed towards the west.

Worst condition? What is this mayor? Some sort of OP dad for a horrible spin-off with 100,000 words of unnecessary OC build up? Maybe I can find a piece of paper that shows me everything about him. Or maybe not. It's not like people put a datasheet on what magic they use, their names, their heights at a beginning of a story right? Right? Come on work with me here.

Okay brb hanging myself with a broken guitar string.

"Yeah thanks for the knowledge, for that, you get a bunch of cool shit." I put my hand into my pocket, trying to grab something. Although I smiled inwardly at the level of edge only surpassed by a Mary Sue's random dragon katana parting gift.

The man's eyes lit up in anticipation, waiting for a potential gift.

"Psyke!" There was actually nothing in my pocket, but instead was my hand balled into a fist with the middle finger extended.

The man's face fell before contorting into shock.

"See ya nerd!" I ran off towards the direction of the mayor's house.

 _Holy shit I feel like I need to go to the gym and speak loudly to mask my insecurity._

…

Reaching the house, I saw some sort of wacky African stick building that looks like would topple from…nothing. I swear there's a fire in that house…made of wood. Okay not going to question this logic because SpongeBob can start a fire underwater.

 _Knock. Knock._

I was careful with knocking the door, I already have one on my murder count, didn't want to make it three plus so early into my arrival. It's not like the kids in this house has done anything wrong right? Unless of course, they have a future of time-skips, training montages, and random missions to join Fairy Tail which makes NO sense whatsoever except for the purpose of a plot which has a hole larger than Hillary Clinton's Vagina!

The door opened, revealing a rag-wearing girl who kind of looks like a shaved orangutan. Yeesh, she's not getting a harem anytime soon! Heh.

"Hello, sir, how may we help you?" She chirped.

She seems way too happy to just have lost her father, and the brother all the way in the back looks super emo, and objectively speaking, wayyy too hot for a kid. Wait a second…

"What's your name?" I had to confirm my suspicions, they had better not be Kai or whatever.

The girl kept her disturbingly innocent smile the whole time we talked. "Mary!"

 _Mary?_

"What's your last name?" My eyes began widening, I _have_ to confirm!

"Sue."

My entire world, LIKE LITERALLY, TOTALLY, SO LITERALLY, OMG, just stopped. The fuck does literally mean anyway that's a synonym to figuratively right? I base my definitions off of white girls drinking Starbucks and react on Facebook because I assume their intelligent from all their Instagram photos with glasses so I can't really tell.

Okay not really, but I just met a girl named Mary Sue! Should I tell her about Fairy Tail? What if she is already a dragon slayer?

"Just out of curiousity, are you an Ice Dragon Slayer?"

The girl simply stared back at me with wide eyes. "H-h-how did you know that?"

 _I'm sorry little girl, but I cannot allow you to roam the world any longer - screw morals, or actually yes morals because I'm eliminating a potential OCxGray with garbage slash/fluff that doesn't fit his character._

"Say-what-if-you-want-to-get-dumped-into-Kamui," I quickly chanted.

"What?"

 _Perfect, Kamui! She said_ _'_ _what_ _'_ _so it's definitely not illegal._

As soon as I thought that, the little girl's form began distorting and twirling into the swirly butthole that is Kamui. The only other things I want to shove up people's asses are Male pregnancy fics because apparently who cares about biology when you can shove a horrible OC in another horrible OC's bunghole and call it birth.

"See ya nerd."

As I turned to walk away, I could hear loud yet tiny foot steps running towards the door.

"Y-y-you killed my sister!" the boy looking about 12 or 13 came out. I can't tell but he is probably at the perfect age to play call of duty.

 _Oh right there was two children!_

"Yeah sucks to be you, bye!" And with that final comment, I left, but not before seeing the rage-induced aura surrounding the boy.

 _Let's play guess the element!_

$5 that his name is Gary and his element is Hellfire because that is the most original element I can think of - like Atlas flame hellfire because that's the first time it's been done. Any objections? No? Good.

Like for a TBH, TBH that village was stupid as fuck and I gained absolutely nothing from stepping foot into it. OH yeah, forgot, I have to take out the other sue before he becomes the protagonist to another story! I can't let him get a harem with all the fairy tail girls and become Oberon or the king of whatever fuck elements he has, right? Agree with me? Good, because if you don't then YOUR :) a racist, bigot, sexist, misandrist, misogynist, everything-ist uncultured swine.

 _Ea time!_

As I reached for my good old whacker, I looked back at the village, feeling remorse at what I am about to do.

 _Nah just kidding._

"For HARAMMMBEEEE! Enuma Elish!" As I said that, a spiritual gorilla saluted me and disappeared.

As the raging torrent of blood red lights began violently swirling towards the Sue house. I could have imagined the wombo-combo soundtrack began playing in the background with hundreds of airhorns blasting straight into my ears.

"Smoke weed every day!" I shouted, satisfied at my work at eliminating a potential trope before walking towards the sunrise which made me look like a complete retard and not cool at all.

Well its still three years before canon so I guess I can go troll the shit out of Fairy Tail then cheese it for full effect.

 _Book, where am I right now?_

 _ **In Fiore, also kill yourself.**_

That reject at the librarian's children donation section probably curses at me all day. But I can't hear shit because it can only talk when talked to. Heh. Also I know I'm in bloody Fiore, Jesus.

 _Book, which direction to Fairy Tail, point with an arrow please._

 _ **That way…cun-**_

Nobody cares about what you think, you're an object, just like women…AYYY YO! Okay not really I respect all genders regardless if it's male or female or apache helicopter. Anyway, where's the arrow? Right, it's in Kamui.

 _Kamui - show the arrow!_

Just as I thought, a massive arrow measuring exactly 208.99192846755634710cm showed up. Pointing a little bit towards the left of where I was facing.

This ought to be fun, now I'm going to use that awesome spaceship Gilgamesh used!

 _Gate of Babylon, Give me spaceship!_

Instead of the awesome Vimana throne ship, what appeared in front of me was a gigantic dildo geared with 30+ jet engines.

 _Good enough._

I got on top of the big black dick and flew away.

.

.

.

.

 **Chapter 5 Done! Next Chapter: The Fairy Troll!**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	6. CH6 - Fucking with Fairies Act I

**Chapter 6 - Fucking with Fairies Act 1**

This ought to be fun, now I'm going to use that awesome spaceship Gilgamesh used!

 _Gate of Babylon, Give me spaceship!_

Instead of the awesome Vimana throne ship, what appeared in front of me was a gigantic dildo geared with 30+ jet engines.

 _Good enough._

I got on top of the big black dick and flew away.

* * *

So this was fun, zooming around the sky on a gigantic penis at probably Mach 6.9. I was Kamui'd so wind didn't fuck with my eyes cause physics is my bitch.

I wonder what I should do first when I get there? Maybe I should land discreetly far away so people don't see my dildo-rocket.

 _Or maybe fly in the middle of everyone and tell them I'm there to give prostate exams._

Holy shit that sounds like a PERFECT idea! Hey citizens of Magnolia, I am Minipa! I will now stick my finger up your ass so please line up!

 _I am on fire today! My imagination is as good as the people who write song fics and just put pop song lyrics in their chapters even though that is totally ILLEGAL you know :)_

Anyways I think I see Magnolia, or a city, seriously I have no idea what the fuck Magnolia looks like I never pay attention to the zoom outs of the city.

 _Book, is that shit Magnolia._

 _ **Yes you blind f*ck.**_

Thanks Obama.

Anyways let's go land in the middle of the market! If anyone asks I'm a sex toy salesman looking to bring pleasure to the four corners of Earthland! _And that I'm a Dragon Slayer with 2 Katanas, 4 tragic backstories and Amnesia_ …whoah there Satan! Suicide time isn't for a while!

Now with all the powers of a genetically modified eggplant, I shall make my grand entrance!

As I neared the ground, I began noticing people that were staring at me in sorts of shock and surprise. I bet they don't see flying cocks everyday.

 _Unless of course they see that OC flying around where the guy was like a rip-off of Zoro and has like every one he meets betraying him and have a mental orgy or whatever that remembrance shit is, now THAT's a flying dildo derby._

Anyways, as I land in the middle of the town where I was as subtle as an overweight McDonalds customer shopping at a Japanese sea food market - and yes that's because the dumbass is shouting 'I don't speak Weeb' - everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was looking at me.

"You're all looking now but none of you will give a shit in 30 seconds."

A moment of silence appeared before all the people just shrugged and nodded and went back to their business. As I put my cock-jet back into the gates - heh heh, Gilgamesh has some special fantasies eh? - I continued to walk towards the big church where Laxus got his ass kicked straight to the I-don't-think-Caitlyn-Jenner-was-brave-at-all-cause-you-know-firefighters-n-shit emporium labelled 'Sexists'.

As I entered the church, there was this priest guy knelt down in prayer in front of this big organ thing.

Smiling to myself, I walked up to him and whispered in his ear…

 _"The only god that exists…is Kai the all-slayer elemental potato slayer dragon king god demon."_

Immediately, the priest widened his eyes so far that his head began swelling up from the massive life-changing revelation. Then his head blew up into confetti and he died.

Okay then.

Well anyways let's go to the guild hall.

* * *

Damn I wished I had some sort of reddit joke list because I'm far too retarded to think of shit myself so I have to win arguments by searching it up on google. But heh, if I lose I can just correct their grammar or say 'your mom' as Nobody can beat that.

 _Wait who's that?_

There was this fucking kid with the wackiest hair in the world! That guy make Yugi from Yugi-oh look relatively normal! It's like he dumped his entire head into lead paint and blew dry it out with the pride parade's glitter cannon!

Hold on there…

"Hey Kid!"

The protagonist looking boy looked at me.

"Yes Mister?"

"Where you heading?"

The boy gave me a smile, "Fairy Tail. My dad told me to come here." _…Fuck outta here._

Oh boy this kid probably got entire epics just to describe his hair, and dragon daddy gave him a mission to Fairy Tail? _I think not_.

He was wearing - absolutely nothing, he was butt-naked, the fuck you want me to say?

I knelt down to his eye level and spoke with a forlorn expression. "I'm sorry kid, but…" I looked up at him and whispered into his ear. "All hail the true lord of all fanfiction - Svane, you shall be a perfect sacrifice to him."

The boy began to fill with fear as he started backing away.

"Hah! I'm just kidding. Sending you to him will get him the Nobel prize for the most different types of cancer discovered in one body!"

"Ha. Haha" The boy began awkwardly laughing with me.

After our laugh, we simply stared at each other where the boy had a worried expression.

"HEY LOOK IT'S YOUR PARENTS!" I shouted, pointing randomly in a direction.

The boy looked up to the sky, probably expecting a dragon flying if the random SJW looking ass kid wants to join Fairy Tail is any indication. But to his surprise, it was actually my dildo rocket squishing his face.

"See ya nerd," I said, putting the penis-vehicle back into the gates and the body into Kamui.

There won't be harems tonight!

If the fanfiction gods make every fucking girl fall in love with me I'm to introduce myself as some sort of catophile and will _FUCK_ happy.

"I'm LOOKING at you!" I shouted to the sky. "You better NOT do that shit or else I'll write a fanfiction about how you died and put it as a Naruto Crossover! I'll STAB YOUR CERULEAN EYES!" That shall show him I mean bloody business.

I looked around me to see a familiar pink-haired cunt staring at me like I ate his bread.

"The fuck you want? Get your pink-haired minimum wage grocery clerk looking ass outta here."

Immediately, Natsu exploded in rage before his eyes turned into the deepest, darkest, pits of hell. Ok not really his eyes are fucking barf coloured like seriously.

"What did you say!" He shouted, obviously not happy with the insult.

"Just to clarify, are you angry at the pink-haired part or the grocery clerk part?"

"I'm angry at your face!" Okay.

"Yeah I would be pretty angry too if I had a face as ugly as yours." Gotem!

"Alright that's it!" Natsu shouted, before charging me.

 _Kamui, motherfucker._

He fisted me over and over again - not that way, ok maybe yes he is actually trying to shove his fist up my ass.

"Why can't I HIT YOU!" Natsu shouted with a constipated face.

Should I hit him back? Nah I'll just walk up to the guild as he fails at trying to get me…and maybe make him hit Erza or something so he will get rekt with a capital R.

Anyways, to the Guild!

* * *

As I walked towards the large building with the Fairy Tail symbol with the angry dragon slayer still trying his absolute hardest at landing a single hit on me, I couldn't help but look contemplatively at the pinky.

"Dude." I spoke in a serious voice.

"LET ME HIT YOU!"

"Have you ever stopped and sit down and just think what exactly you're doing with your life?" I looked to the side to see a smiling blue cat spectating.

 _Oh wait I think that's Happy._

"Yoink!" I Kamui'd him straight to my hand.

"Come on, try punching me now!" I said as I constantly move Happy - still with his goofy smile, in front of Natsu every time he went for a punch.

"GRRRR!" Oh man he was pissed now.

 _Alright time for plan 'E'_

"HEY LOOK IT'S ERZA!"

He stopped what he was doing instantly to look frantically around himself. "What! Where?!"

"Psyke!"

The pink-headed scarf-wearing arsehole didn't even see my foot coming as his two ball sacks were squished harder than unsold McDonalds chicken nuggets.

He simply gave a whiny gasp before collapsing on the ground.

"Well then," I began, looking at Happy, still with the randomly disturbingly goofy smile - _like the fuck is this cat on drugs?_

"Dumpster's that way by the way." I pointed towards a green bin in the distance.

"Aye!" He said as he picked up the unconscious dragon slayer and flew towards it.

Holy shit I love this cat.

I continued walking until I made it to the door, but not before I heard a loud 'clunk' on where the dumpster bin was.

I could barely hold in my laughter as I just realized Happy threw Natsu into the garbage!

 _Since Natsu already hates me, I wonder who I can piss off next?_

A sly yet excited smile plastered itself on my face as I thought of spurting out that Cana's Gildarts daughter the moment I see him, or calling Laxus Makarov the III.

I can't wait!

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 **Chapter 6 Done! Next Chapter: Drunk Party Endings?!**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	7. CH7 - Fucking with Fairies Act II

**Chapter 7 - Fucking with Fairies Act 2**

Holy shit I love this cat.

I continued walking until I made it to the door, but not before I heard a loud 'clunk' on where the dumpster bin was.

I could barely hold in my laughter as I just realized Happy threw Natsu into the garbage!

 _Since Natsu already hates me, I wonder who I can piss off next?_

A sly yet excited smile plastered itself on my face as I thought of spurting out that Cana's Gildarts daughter the moment I see him, or calling Laxus Makarov the III.

I can't wait!

* * *

 _Should I go check on Natsu? Wouldn't want what I just did ruin all the NaLu or Nali shippers._

As soon as I thought that, I widened my eyes at the revelation. Quickly running back towards the dumpster, I grabbed a large rock and struck Natsu's 'Dragon balls' for good measure.

Also if you laughed at the pun please jump off the tallest building you can find without a parachute - also do flips for style points.

With a satisfied smirk, I close the lid so that people can't find him for a while and proceeded to walk to the guild. If the Fairy Tail guild was really the same as the manga or anime for casuals, then there was one thing I could get that would be better than no other.

Free. Fucking. Booze.

Just repeat those three words in your head you useless millennials that talk about cars but can't even replace a fucking battery. Free booze, and not that Budweiser shit either might as well get drunk off of Monkey piss.

No, I'm talking about the old stuff - aged wine, mead, and maybe that one thing that Russians drank before vodka was discovered.

Entering the doors, I noticed that nobody was in the guild - _the fuck?_ \- Seriously, as empty as a Nickelback concert. No one was at the counter, no one was sitting and not even that fat-lipped asshole was at the job listings. Speaking of jobs, how did the job system work? Was it like some sort of magical craigslist?

"Who goes there?" A groggy old voice rung from the upper floor.

 _Is that Makarov? Or Gildarts? Or hell even Ivan the manga never specified what year he actually left - seriously though, when it comes to Mashima the word world-building is as unused as a new year's resolution person's gym membership._

"Your mom." Of course, such a question had to be met with an level 1337 edge lord reply only mastered by 12 year-olds.

Immediately, a set of foot steps accompanied by what seemed to be a dust cloud could be seen rushing down the stairs. Whoever was inside kept rushing until the person was right in front of me.

 _Oh shit that's Gildarts._

"W-wut zee fuccka you j-just seyy…punk?!" The disgruntled middle aged man could barely get out a proper sentence before slamming face down on the floor.

 _Reminds me of last Saturday._

Except I was drinking by myself to forget about the depression. It was either that or to shed light on my overwhelming depression but only in a comedic manner so no ones knows if I'm serious.

 _God I need a noose or maybe some discount Clorox._

Anyways, Gildarts passed out in front of me in a heap and his drink was still in his hands.

"Thanks for the drink bud," I thanked vaingloriously. As I tasted it, I realized it tasted exactly like Budweiser. Instead of throwing it away like a normal person, I dumped the entire mug filled with beer straight onto Gildarts' head.

"Jokes, you can have it back." Since Gildarts was drunk as absolute hell, he probably would not even know it was me anyway. Damn. I really wanted to tell him Cana was his daughter, then Kamui her in front of his face! Oh man that would be something to see.

Now, what other assholes are in this building.

"FAIRY TAIL SUCKS DIRTY DONKEY DONG." Perfect allusion, +5 points to literacy. I defiantly nailed it! Nothing is wrong with my previous sentence, your just a dumb pig with no life.

As soon as my comment rang across the entire wooden building, another set of footsteps came down from the second floor and some creaking happened behind the counter.

"Holy shit are you all passed out? Man that is pathetic as hell, also I just beat Gildarts so can I be an S - class mage?"

Another person ran in front of me, but this time, it was a familiar person around my age with a scar on his face. Looking in his angry but obviously hung over eyes, I spoke.

"Sup scar-faced Makarov the III."

Oh man! The look on his face is priceless! It looked like someone took a shit in his earphones and he didn't know until his dubstep sounded twice as much shit as it usually is!

"Who do you think you are? Marching in here-"

"Makarov's grandson." I interrupted with a sly smile.

"W-what? _I'm_ Makarov's Grandson!"

"You sure are, loser," By the number of wrinkles on his forehead, I could tell he was ready to go toaster-in-a-bathtub mode on me. But what can he do? Kamui is all powerful he can just suck it.

"You got a lot of balls to come in here talking shit." The smile on his face only promised pain, but I wasn't worried, it wasn't like he was the trope dragon slayer.

"Bitch go back to the irrelevant people's club where you belong I bet Natsu's stronger than you and he is literally in the dumpster right now."

Grunting like some overweight man child at the internet café, Laxus lit up like a lightbulb and began zapping me. Of course I felt nothing because of the most broken power known to man.

"Oh by the way, here comes Gildarts!"

Right away, I kamui'd Gildarts' straight into Laxus lightning, in which he would get a 'shocking' wake up call. AYYY, No. Kill yourself please.

As soon as Gildarts went into the lightning, he's entire body began convulsing and a disgruntled drunk scream could be heard.

The smoky body of the crash mage began getting up, his muscles and mind no longer hungover due to the massive jolt.

A dangerous grin crept up on his face as cracks began forming on the floor.

"So that was you huh, Laxus."

Laxus eyes widened as he felt the full force of Gildarts' magical pressure.

"What no! That was him!" He pointed to where I was originally, but he saw no one. Because I ported myself behind the counter while they were distracted, haha.

Now Laxus is going to get beat up so hard it won't even be funny. Except that Laxus has that lightning body and just sped off away from the guild - aw, that's no fun. If he didn't run I might have ruined the festival arc cause who the fuck would want to try that shit when Gildarts is around.

"COME BACK AND TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN." Gildarts' voice could be heard outside the guild, trailing off into an echo as the angry mage chased on.

Now that's 3 on the shit meter. Laxus hates me, Natsu hates me, and the fanfiction god hates me. Maybe the Trope Dragon too but I didn't really see him tilt off the face of the planet. Wait. Is my chair alive?

 _The fuck am I sitting on?_

Something began moving from under me, which forced me to get back to see just what the fuck was the moldy ass chair. I think that is Erza if the red hair is any indication, she drinks? I never knew that.

"Oh shit I sat on a bitch," I said with mock surprise. I could see her ears wiggle showing that she heard me, but she can't do anything.

With a sly smile, I bent down to whisper in her ear.

"Hey Erza…" She began stirring and waking up slightly.

"W-what?"

"Strawberry cakes suck moose cock." I began to see the familiar contortion as she began trying harder and harder to get up. Putting a foot on her chest to prevent that, I continued.

"Mirajane's stronger than you." Oh boy. She was really trying now, she began pushing with all her might and damn she was strong.

"I think I just saw her and Jellal get together." That was definitely the last straw. She bounced up faster than black guy that got caught stealing a bike - if you are offended than I totally meant it and I'm glad I put some extra stress in your life :)

MOVING ON, the girl overcame my $100,000 Air Jordan 12 OVO, okay no I'm too broke to even buy shoes. But as she got up, I grabbed a plate of what's probably her uneaten cake and smashed it all over her face, then I picked up some random guy beside me and stood him in my place.

 _This is actually so fun, who knew fucking with people could be this entertaining._

Unfortunately, she saw through my move but threw the other guy out of the way anyway before advancing towards me menacingly.

"Come on then, hit me! The chances of that happening is the same as you getting with Jellal!" I swear her hair is doing that Kushina thing in that one movie it's actually extremely creepy…or _spooky._

 _Spooky scary skeletons! Send shivers down your spine…fuck that song is now stuck in my head._

But more importantly, that song is now stuck in _YOUR_ head. Hehe.

She swung at me, and to not my surprise, she went through me. Of course, she just kept ham batting me with her arms in rage but she could not touch me. Not at all.

"Oh by the way, there's still some cake left," I mocked as I pulled some cake from the gates of Babylon and slammed it into her face. I made sure it was spoiled cake too so she couldn't eat it.

"YOU. ARE. DEAD." She declared with utmost anger and determination as she continued her relentless assault.

Okay maybe I should wait until everyone's awake before coming back for more. Oh shit what am I, a horrible fucking Naruto crossover where he's the king of pranks? Not likely. Go read your fucking OCxHarem you autistic fuck heads.

Turning back to the red head, I gave her the finger with a huge smile on my face. "Well it's been fun, bye!" The last thing I saw was the most disgusting angry face I have ever seen on a girl, you could probably find an example if you go to the website called thatsphucked. Seriously go check it out at 3am especially.

As I looked back at the guild, where the building was comically waving around - _huh, that actually looks pretty interesting in retrospect. -_ crashing noises bombarded my ears. If they weren't awake before, they are now.

Thinking back to before, I couldn't help but wonder what happened to Natsu. I walked towards the dumpster bin, and opened the lid.

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AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

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Natsu was still in the dumpster groaning in pain, what else could have happened in the span of 5 minutes? Him get off and leave Fairy Tail or some other bullshit from Darker Natsu stories? Might as well make a double whammy Natsu AND Lucy leaves then they become Dragon King PLUS Queen and both duo join Sabertooth. God I cringe so hard it makes me vomit backwards from my ass.

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 **Chapter 7 Done! Next Chapter: The Secret Revealer!**

 **Edit: Guest - Bro I just updated like an hour ago fuck do you want from me go drink some vodka or some shit.**

 **Not going to put a million review replies for word count cause only niggers do that.**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	8. CH8 - Secrets Revealed, and Memed

**Chapter 8 - Secrets Revealed, and Memed**

 **I bet that every dragon slayer OC fanfiction (with named chapters) have at least ONE chapter named 'Secrets revealed' or whatever the fuck is similar to that. Oh don't even get me started on SIOC stories!**

 **Also a little challenge to my readers. Think of all the tropes I made fun of, go and make a huge list of stories with AT LEAST 2 tropes, then post them on reviews. Then we can all simultaneously laugh at them.**

 **I know a certain story off the top of my head where there's an Ice Dragon Slayer OC WITH a mysterious past that had a 2v1 fight against Erigor with Natsu…in the first 4-5 chapters. Yes, I am not kidding.**

 **Trope Discussions moved to separate story titled 'Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit Writing'**

* * *

Natsu was still in the dumpster groaning in pain, what else could have happened in the span of 5 minutes? Him get off and leave Fairy Tail or some other bullshit from Darker Natsu stories? Might as well make a double whammy Natsu AND Lucy leaves then they become Dragon King PLUS Queen and both duo join Sabertooth. God I cringe so hard it makes my vomit backwards from my ass.

* * *

Well now that's a wrap.

Waited till night to pass and then jacked off all the way until morning. Don't even say anything you cuck holders I bet you all do the same thing, Mr. read-fanfiction-while-you're-supposed-to-be-sleeping-cause-you-have-work-in-5-hours. Don't be down I was writing this story when I had work the next day too!

Anyways now that the guild shouldn't be hung over anymore, it's time to go back and hopefully put the blame onto someone else. You know - drunk Natsu getting sacked by a random girl he 'molested' and got thrown into the garbage. At least that is my Alibi. Who's going to remember this one guy going around fucking everyone up anyway?

* * *

As soon as I walked into that guild, I had a familiar pinky jump me. Now of course, he couldn't hit me, but I was _really_ hoping that they wouldn't remember. Like if I drink as hard as they did yesterday, I would have woken up in 2057 and would have forgotten my own name!

"Now, now, how about we sit in a nice circle of chairs and talk," I spoke, with Natsu ramming his fist into my mouth, trying to stop me from talking.

"Don't think I forgot what you did yesterday!" Oh great, Angry dragon slayer healed by plot armour. If that was me in the dumpster I would still be in the hospital where the doctor would tell me I can't have kids anymore. Oh right I can't. Oh no it's not because I'm sterile or anything but because I'm an ugly and gay faggot that writes self insert fanfiction.

"Dude you hit me first, not my fault you got your ass one-shotted and thrown in the dumpster." My logic was completely flawless, and I didn't even throw him into the dumpster in the first place! It was the troll ass cat!

"ARRRGGGHH."

Ok this is getting dumb.

"Calm your tits just sit down and stop hitting air."

"Not until I hit you!"

Sighing, I walked towards Erza, who seemed to have a harder time remembering what I did. Maybe Natsu wasn't actually drunk? He didn't really seem drunk from last night but if he planned on it I bet I completely ruined his night, hehe.

Natsu visibly began hesitating as sweat formed on his brows.

"Come on Natsu keep hitting me." I kept on circling around the redhead, waving my hands tauntingly while positioning Erza directly behind me so Natsu could not hit me.

"You…" a disturbingly low voice came from behind me. It would have certainly sent shivers down my spine - _SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS -_ if I didn't have Kamui of course.

I turned to face the redhead, who had the same face she made yesterday after I talked so much shit.

"I remember," she began, getting up from her seat with her eyes shadowed. "EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID!"

She prepared to hit me again, only for me to put a hand up, which somehow worked and stopped her. Seriously? What the actual fuck is that shit if you did that in the hood you would get shanked straight to the moon!

"You shouldn't be so aggressive you know." She raised a confused brow at me. "I'm sure Jellal likes nicer girls." And that's it.

I could barely see from the constant gauntleted fists flying towards my face. They had to give up sometime right? Do they not know I can keep this up indefinitely? Well I'll just tell them cause revealing my abilities is anime fighting 101's first lesson.

 _Welcome to anime fighting 101!_

 _I shall be your professor: Naruto Tyrannosaurus Rex or whatever retarded slayer last name!_

Wait, what? Why is this playing in my head?

 _Whenever you fight an opponent that could potentially beat you, especially if you are a bad guy, you MUST, and I mean MUST - explain ALL of your abilities and evil plan._

That explains things. If people paid the same amount of attention to politics 101 instead of this garbage maybe Trump wouldn't be president.

 _Also, if you write a crossover fanfiction with Naruto, make sure you make an OC Character with Naruto's name plastered on it! You can write the exact same story for 20 times more views!_

Hahahah! That's funny. No way on this Earth can there be people that reached that level of malevolence. I mean, making an OC with Naruto's name to get more views? Preposterous! What type of kitten-kicking dog-eating baby-slaying crocs-wearing apple-product-buying trap-listening non-Bernie-Sanders-supporting pumpkin-spice-latte-drinking ass-grabbing internet-explorer-using individual would _ever_ do such a thing!

*Looks at readers.*

Okay no I'm serious no one is that evil. Just like how SJW's and those pronoun Nazis are a internet myth and probably fake and gay. Anyways enough of cancer.

"Now, I'm sure you already thought - 'Whoah I can't hit him let's keep trying' cause you're some type of advance retardation in effect," I began, making the flurry of punches even faster than before.

"Hey you hanky danky sac of scrap garbage! I can literally keep this up forever, you should save your strength for when you masturbate yourself to sleep!" As I said that, her fists stopped. Her eyes widened to saucer plates before hundreds of veins became visible on her forehead.

"Why would you say such things?!"

"Cause it's true, strawberry cakes are full of diabetes and tastes like demon's anus. But then again it might explain why you like it so much." She was going to punch me again, but stopped herself knowing that it wouldn't do anything.

I raised a brow as I saw Erza walk towards Natsu, before putting a hand on his shoulder.

"AARRH." Surprisingly, she took out her anger on the next best thing. Now there's a Natsu shaped hole on the wall.

Well then. Nobody fucking cares apparently. Seriously they all just keep drinking like bystanders of a car crash.

"Anyways, Gildarts!"

Fortunately for me, the auburn-haired man in question answered from the top floor, with a bandaged Laxus beside him. HAH he actually thought it was him.

"Ehh? Are you new here?"

"Yes, 100% I have never set foot in this guild before." My face was straighter than an asexual otaku with an automatic browser history remover.

Gildarts simply looked down in contemplation, before shrugging his shoulders. "Well okay then."

I smile devilishly, it was time to be gay.

"Hey can you come down? I got something very important to tell you! It's about a girl!"

Gildarts widened his eyes in surprise, before putting his drink down with slam, then rushing down the stairs.

"Say Gildy, you see that brown-haired girl over there?" I pointed to Cana, who was doing some sort of solitaire shit.

"Yeah that's Cana, why?" Oh boy here it comes.

"See the thing is…she's your daughter." Everyone's eyes widened harder than that compilation with Frieza getting butt-fucked by Goku. Of course, none were more surprised than Cana herself, who looked like she was going to dip all her cards into toilet water.

"WHAT!" That was almost a perfectly synchronized chorus of surprise as I said that. Did none of them think I was bull shitting? Or did all of them actually suspected/figured out but no one really gave a shit.

Taking out a cup of water from the gate, I splashed it all over his face, causing him to start coughing all over from choking.

"W-What? No way! She can't be my daughter! I was sure to use protection!"

"While I'm sure you have many bastards out there…" I began, circling around Gildarts for some villainous effects, before walking behind where Cana was sitting.

"Cana here, is not one. Isn't that right? Daughter of Cornelia Alberona." I could just feel the embarrassment coming from the hippie girl as Gildarts stared at her.

"You know she does kind of look like him…" a random voice commented.

Then a series of agreements chorused around the room, none even bothering to deny or object to my statement.

Cana then began to run outside the guild, of course I was having none of that shit so I grabbed her, lifted her up, and threw her to Gildarts.

Catching the airborne girl, Gildarts simply stared with the same retarded expression straight at the girl in his arms.

"You're…you're my daughter?"

Cana simply looked down in shame, before replying. "Yeah…"

Gildarts looked like he was about to cry, so I decided it was time to piss everybody off.

"YOINK!"

Right away, Cana vanished into my Kamui dimension, leaving Gildarts to simply stare at me in shock. Of course, before anybody could have reacted, I simply ran out, giving another great big middle finger at the guild before shouting.

"Psyke motherfucker!" Nice, stole some little girl just like an European Muslim immigrant.

As I ran away from the guild, I could hear a bunch of angry swear words sounding like some construction worker that just dropped a bag of cement on his foot in Russia.

 _Maybe I should let her out?_

What even happens in Kamui anyway? They'll just be stuck in the cube world right? What's the time different there? If I take her out will she have died of starvation?

Okay, let's check.

 _Kamui - take that bitch out!_

Instead of Cana, I get a familiar rag-wearing girl that I met at the village some time ago.

"I-I'm Free!" Oops wrong girl.

"In you go!" Another swirly vortex sucked her right up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo~"

Well that's that.

 _Kamui - take out Cana!_

The familiar card girl reappeared in the vortex, looking slightly dazed from the experience.

"Hey you, how long were you in there for?"

Shaking her head, Cana looked up to face me, however groggily. "I came out right when I got in…"

Okay so time is either the same or faster than the outside world. Good, I won't have to worry about people starving to death. Oh the rag girl named Mary Sue? Yeah she's staying in there. Or better yet, I'll send her to the sun.

 _Kamui - send the rag girl to the sun!_

Did it happen? Oh well nobody cares anyway.

"Oh yeah, you should go to your dad before he commits genocide." After saying that, I secretly snuck a ticking time bomb of flour and water on Cana's back.

The brown-haired girl did what she was told, clumsily wobbling her way to the guild.

Oh this going to be good.

Ok time to kill myself.

I broke my own neck and dropped to the floor.

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Ok not really, but pretend I did like that episode in Family Guy where Lois asked Peter to join her Book Club.

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 **Chapter 8 Done! Next Chapter: The Canon Killer!**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[** **Minipa's Trope Discussions and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	9. CH9 - The Blueberry Fairy

**Chapter 9 - The Blueberry Fairy**

 **No I didn't actually kill myself despite the Trope Discussions; anyway, there IS going to be a _very_ loose plotline as I move upwards the timeline. Canon is already changing because why the fuck not? What did you think I was going to do - go all out fatalist and turn into an IDS? **

**Y'all should know what IDS is by now :)**

 **Wow! The trope discussions are actually so bloody long - why the fuck are there so many tropes. It's like the entire fandom is having an unofficial contest on who can outdo each other in the amount of fuckery of Fairy Tail.**

 **Not sure who won but I think High School AU's are still pretty cancer.**

 **First, some guest review replies because I've been neglecting them :(**

* * *

 **Guest:** That's a fun suggestion! Although I think a more short-term troll is funnier.

 **Daddy:** Me too!

 **Some Random Dude:** Cry more pls :)

 **Guest:** K.

 **Guest:** K.

 **Guest:** Ty.

 **Guest:** Rofl killing Natsu, that is a good one ;p

* * *

Did it happen? Oh well nobody cares anyway.

"Oh yeah, you should go to your dad before he commits genocide." After saying that, I secretly snuck a ticking time bomb of flour and water on Cana's back.

The brown-haired girl did what she was told, clumsily wobbling her way to the guild.

Oh this going to be good.

Ok time to kill myself.

I broke my own neck and dropped to the floor.

* * *

Picking myself up, I lifted my hands and unbroke my own neck before walking out of the city.

I should probably give them some time to cool down; maybe even just go into a coma for three years so I can bullshit a time skip. That's what everyone does right? Maybe I'll wake up as an all-slayer everything elemental dragon god.

...Okay maybe not, if that happened I would kill myself by eating some anvils with the power of a forge god slayer.

Anyways, what should I do now? It's still ways away to canon and I literally have nothing better to do. Sure, I could simply make up some bullshit OC arc; but, that would be really REALLY gay.

 _Hmmmm…decisions, decisions._

Fuck it, I'll go ruin the tower of heaven arc. I quite like that arc but whatever. Oh speaking of arcs, I will need to nuke Edolas straight to hell because it's trash.

 _Need to bring Ea to dimensional buster level first though._

Any of you watch Dragon Ball Super? So can Goku destroy a Universe or what is that about?

Anyways, if the Tower of Dicks is still exactly where it was - somewhere off the coast of Eastern Fiore, then it shouldn't be that hard to find it.

Should be as easy as that time I went into an Apple Store right before closing, asked a bunch of pointless questions just to not buy anything :) Hehe suckers.

Taking out my dick rocket, I took to the skies and shot straight towards the moon.

 _Hey book, where's the Tower of Heaven?_

Instead of a reply, I got a shiny Las Vegas style middle finger that pointed towards the ocean.

 _Cool, thanks m8._

First it's Mach 1, then its Mach 2, then its LUDICROUS SPEED, AYYYYYEAA.

In an instant, my rocket spewed out a large spume of white smoke and proceeded to fall towards the ocean.

 _What, I can't even last a single second?_

In the distance however, I could make out a gigantic structure that looked like it came straight out of Soviet Russia.

 _That must be the tower of heaven!_

As I plunged into the ocean, I used my massively intelligent and quick wisdom to conjure up a floatation device.

 _This time, no dick though - no homo._

Alright, let's do this!

 _Get me something that floats!_

Immediately, a golden portal appeared, and with it, something akin to a broken door plopped onto the water surface.

Hey, whatever works right?

…

Arriving at the tower, I started to take in the details. It certainly looked like some sort of nuclear power plant with all the giant tube shits.

Oh yeah, I didn't actually float all the way here in the broken door, it started to sink right as I got on it so I had to swim all the way here.

BUT WAIT! Why didn't I just teleport? Don't question my motives, I don't have to justify my existence you swim shaming bigot.

ANYWAYS, the anime or manga never bothered to show exactly how the fuck I'm supposed to make it all the way to the top, so I'm just going to Kamui.

 _Take me up to the throne room!_

In an instant, I appeared into existence in front of a familiar blue-haired fuckboy. Jellal.

He looked at me with slight surprise, before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "Who might you be?"

Jesus Christ, he sounded this douchey before the actual arc? God, no wonder he went into depression for 7 years. Sounds like University, AYYY. *Cries - please just kill me.

"I am, your worst nightmare."

Why the actual fuck did I just say that. I might as well change my name to Naruto and get a harem of 50 girls including all the canon cast, all the antagonists, some random goddess, and my own mother.

Everybody needs to just wrong me and suddenly want to be in my harem. Cause you know, what plot right?

Oh yeah I need to add chan to everyone's name too! And fem-Kyuubi, almost forgot about that one.

Oh and I love all the 50 girls equally and all 50 of them are completely fine with sharing as long as they can have me.

I have cancer now, do you? I'm not kidding what I just said above is like the generic popular Naruto crossover formula.

Despite my inner monologue, my words seemed to force the entire room into a great silence. Even the annoying crows outside just stopped cawing due to the sheer absurdity and edginess I just displayed here.

"Did you really just say that?" He looked at me with the most disappointed face someone could make. Just like my parents used to make.

"…"

I put a finger to my chin, a thousand thoughts racing through my head.

"You know what?" I put on the most dashing, charming smile I could think of. Not enough to crush-blush 50 girls into falling in love with me because I'm not actually Naruto. NEITHER ARE THE SPIKED-BLONDE, WHISKER-CHEEKED, CERULEAN-EYED MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE NARUTO CROSSOVERS, AYYY YOO, ROASTED.

Anyways, back to my dialogue.

"You're right man, I can't believe I just said that. Be right back killing myself."

Jellal seemed to put on an understanding expression as he reached into his pockets.

 _What is he taking out?_

The tattooed fuckface seemed to pull out some green and blue squares of questionable origin.

"Here."

He walked towards me with his hands extended; two of the blue-green squares in his grasp.

"I was just doing some laundry so I had some laundry pods lying around."

 _Is this what I think it is?_

I took the laundry pods from his hand, inspecting its design. As I looked at it, I noticed the definitive orange and blue design of Tide.

 _IT IS._

"Hey you got any bleach?"

He looked at me questioningly. "Why bleach?"

"Might as well get a full suicide cereal going here."

Why drink bleach or eat tide pods when you can have both! Actually no, that meme is trash and you should feel bad. If I don't see a review saying this meme was trash and telling me to go kill myself I won't update anymore.

"Oh sorry, I don't use bleach."

Really?

"What about all the blood stains?"

"I have other people beating the slaves for me, I just sit here and look menacingly for the most part."

 _Figures._

"Well anyways, since I can't kill myself, I'm afraid I'll have to evict you from this tower."

The blue-haired mage's face suddenly become sour, a dark look creeping into his eyes.

"Oh? Who are you to do that?"

 _I'll probably have to Kamui him but might as well fuck around._

"I'm a representative from the Fiore Tax Agency, I'm afraid you have quite a large amount outstanding."

Instantly, the tower owner's face became one of shock, obviously not expecting my words.

"Wait, what?"

"Yes, Property Taxes you see, this peninsula is within the countries borders, therefore you will have to pay back the amount in full, as well as the interest that had built up in the past 47 years."

"47 Years?! I've only been here for 5!"

"That is none of my concern unfortunately, you, as the new owner, will have to take care of all the outstanding amount, otherwise you will be removed."

"HOW! How did you even know where this is! This tower should have been a secret!"

"That is classified information. I'm afraid you still have to pay the J47,200,000 otherwise the government will take control of this property."

"47 Million!... I have a better idea-"

 _Kamui!_

"Kamui motherfucker!"

As soon as the portal appeared, Jellal's form began distorting as it took on a golden glow.

 _Shit he has meteor._

"Meteor!"

 _Wait, why do I not underline my own moves? Oh right, because it's dumb and gay._

The hooded blueberry launched himself at me, not happy with how he was almost tricked.

"You're not from the FTA are you!" A blurring fist made its way into my face, my Kamui barely activating quick enough.

 _Damn, he's too fast to just suck in, I'll have to distract him somehow. Wait. Suck. THAT'S IT!_

"Looks like you're not as big of a cunt as I thought, I'll actually have to pull out my secret technique."

A smirk appeared on my opponent's face before he readied himself for another charge. "You're not bad yourself- wait what?"

 _Book, give me 'that' picture that I saved last week._

 ** _Yeah, yeah, hold your panties…_**

 _I see you're calming down a bit, why do pieces of literature PMS anyway?_

 ** _Bitch._**

 _Meh._

Immediately, a couple pieces of paper appeared in front of me. Grabbing them, I immediately turned them around, shoving them into Jellal's face.

Without warning, the charging mage suddenly turned completely red and fell to the floor.

 _HAH, BITCH CAN'T TAKE HIS HENTAI._

"ENJOY THOSE RULE34 PICTURES OF ERZA AS LONG AS YOU CAN, CAUSE YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO NEW JERSEY."

He looked up to me with an ambiguous stare, the confusion in his face was apparent due to my 'special' move.

"K-K-Kamui!" **(AN: Author's Note - Minipa, Please review subscribe and send me pictures of your bobs and vagene. THINK OF COMBO BREAKER)**

In his jimmily rustled state, Jellal could do nothing as the portal closed around him, the blue-haired pervert vanishing without a trace.

 _Now it is time._

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To take a shit cause I've been holding that in Jesus fucking Christ.

BRB.

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 **Chapter 9 Done! Next Chapter: Commander of Hedgehogs**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	10. CH10 - The Commander of Hedgehogs

**AUTHORS NOTE VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ - ISN'T THIS FUCKING ANNOYING AS HELL? ALSO DO MY PARENTS LOVE ME YET?**

 **Okay so, I'm sure all of you were expecting some more shenanigans in chapter 10, but I'm afraid to tell you that, I won't be updating anymore. I will also be taking a break from Fanfiction and going on indefinite hiatus.**

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 **Okay just kidding.**

 **I'm not abandoning this story nor am I going on break. I don't have issues with work, school, or even have depression or anxiety - which seems to be a common thing for people that write in-name-only Naruto crossovers that are paired with bad grammar and plot.**

 **I'm not feeling sad at all, I'm literally just doing this just to fuck with everyone that's reading.**

 **I'm sure you were like, OH BOY AN UPDATE, TIME TO READ SOME CANCER.**

 **Well, you weren't wrong.**

 **I'm sure all of you just contracted an evolved form of Ebola from this.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 ** _Also, here's the entire Trump inauguration speech._**

'Chief Justice Roberts, President Carter, President Clinton, President Bush, President Obama, fellow Americans, and people of the world: thank you.

We, the citizens of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and to restore its promise for all of our people.

Together, we will determine the course of America and the world for years to come.

We will face challenges. We will confront hardships. But we will get the job done.

Every four years, we gather on these steps to carry out the orderly and peaceful transfer of power, and we are grateful to President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama for their gracious aid throughout this transition. They have been magnificent.

Today's ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today we are not merely transferring power from one Administration to another, or from one party to another – but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C. and giving it back to you, the American People.

For too long, a small group in our nation's Capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have borne the cost.

Washington flourished – but the people did not share in its wealth.

Politicians prospered – but the jobs left, and the factories closed.

The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country.

Their victories have not been your victories; their triumphs have not been your triumphs; and while they celebrated in our nation's Capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.

That all changes – starting right here, and right now, because this moment is your moment: it belongs to you.

It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America.

This is your day. This is your celebration.

And this, the United States of America, is your country.

What truly matters is not which party controls our government, but whether our government is controlled by the people.

January 20th 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again.

The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Everyone is listening to you now.

You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement the likes of which the world has never seen before.

At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction: that a nation exists to serve its citizens.

Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families, and good jobs for themselves.

These are the just and reasonable demands of a righteous public.

But for too many of our citizens, a different reality exists: Mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities; rusted-out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation; an education system, flush with cash, but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of knowledge; and the crime and gangs and drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential.

This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one nation – and their pain is our pain. Their dreams are our dreams; and their success will be our success. We share one heart, one home, and one glorious destiny.

The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all Americans.

For many decades, we've enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry;

Subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the very sad depletion of our military;

We've defended other nation's borders while refusing to defend our own;

And spent trillions of dollars overseas while America's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay.

We've made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country has disappeared over the horizon.

One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores, with not even a thought about the millions upon millions of American workers left behind.

The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed across the entire world.

But that is the past. And now we are looking only to the future.

We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital, and in every hall of power.

From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land.

From this moment on, it's going to be America First.

Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs, will be made to benefit American workers and American families.

We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies, and destroying our jobs. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength.

I will fight for you with every breath in my body – and I will never, ever let you down.

America will start winning again, winning like never before.

We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth. And we will bring back our dreams.

We will build new roads, and highways, and bridges, and airports, and tunnels, and railways all across our wonderful nation.

We will get our people off of welfare and back to work – rebuilding our country with American hands and American labor.

We will follow two simple rules: Buy American and Hire American.

We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world – but we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first.

We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone, but rather to let it shine as an example for everyone to follow.

We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones – and unite the civilized world against Radical Islamic Terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the Earth.

At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America, and through our loyalty to our country, we will rediscover our loyalty to each other.

When you open your heart to patriotism, there is no room for prejudice.

The Bible tells us, "how good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity."

We must speak our minds openly, debate our disagreements honestly, but always pursue solidarity.

When America is united, America is totally unstoppable.

There should be no fear – we are protected, and we will always be protected.

We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement and, most importantly, we are protected by God.

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger.

In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is striving.

We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action – constantly complaining but never doing anything about it.

The time for empty talk is over.

Now arrives the hour of action.

Do not let anyone tell you it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of America.

We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again.

We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the Earth from the miseries of disease, and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow.

A new national pride will stir our souls, lift our sights, and heal our divisions.

It is time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget: that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, we all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, and we all salute the same great American Flag.

And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty Creator.

So to all Americans, in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, and from ocean to ocean, hear these words:

You will never be ignored again.

Your voice, your hopes, and your dreams, will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way.

Together, We Will Make America Strong Again.

We Will Make America Wealthy Again.

We Will Make America Proud Again.

We Will Make America Safe Again.

And, Yes, Together, We Will Make America Great Again. Thank you, God Bless You, And God Bless America.'

 **The only reason you are triggered by this chapter is because YOU DO NOT KNOW DA WAE.**


	11. CH10 - The Commander of Hedgehogs (Real)

**Chapter 10 - Commander of Hedgehogs**

 **What did you guys think of 'Chapter 10?'**

* * *

"ENJOY THOSE RULE34 PICTURES OF ERZA AS LONG AS YOU CAN, CAUSE YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO NEW JERSEY."

He looked up to me with an ambiguous stare, the confusion in his face was apparent due to my 'special' move.

"K-K-Kamui!" **(AN: Author's Note - Minipa, Please review subscribe and send me pictures of your bobs and vagene. THINK OF COMBO BREAKER)**

In his jimmily rustled state, Jellal could do nothing as the portal closed around him, the blue-haired pervert vanishing without a trace.

 _Now it is time._

* * *

I could only imagine the looks on their faces when they find out Jellal disappeared.

 _Or maybe not, I mean he was being sort of a cunt with that slavery thing…_

Regardless of their feelings, I'm sure they will be very surprised.

Anyways, time to GOO!

Lettuce leaf! Get it? Let us leave? Yeah I totally ripped that one off the internet by the way - just like all of my political opinions *ahem Liberals.

Now, which direction was Fairy Tail again? Don't really feel like using the SJW book of getting-offended; it's better off if I just find my own way.

 _Might as well explore the shithole._

I mean, there's got to be some interesting things right? Mashima world built pretty much jack diddly squat - even in Fiore. They didn't even talk about the other countries of Ishgar until the movie 'dragon cry.' Whatever I find though, I'm sure it will be dank as fuck.

 _What should I ride on this this time?_

Should I ride on your mom? Nah, won't fit in the air. I feel like flying a Fiat Multipla so might as well try that.

 _Get me a flying fiat!_

The ugliest abomination the human race has ever called an automobile descended upon me, its wheels glittering with atrocity as the windows reflected humanity's sins into my eyes. The hood was an unholy combination of metals; truly the most heinous personification of all that is horrible.

 _You know what they say! Beauty is on the inside! By they I mean ugly people._

So I get into the car, and realize that it was manual. Oh shit, I can't drive manual, I'm literally a faggot.

 _Instruction manuals please._

A tiny little book plopped on my hands; instead of an explanation on how to drive manual however, the entire book was empty except for the title page, which said 'fucking casual.'

 _Figures._

Whatever, I'll just start it.

As the car began moving, I drove it straight forward and plunged it off the cliff.

'…'

I fell straight into the water at terminal velocity and my car exploded into a million pieces. Seriously, what did you expect was going to happen? I mean I did fly, I just flew downward.

* * *

As I made it to land, I stumbled across a weird looking forest.

 _Wait, what about the water, how did I get past it?_

Easy, I rode on a ship made of overused jokes and reposted memes that were never even funny the 1st time. Just kidding, I summoned the powers of Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze Senju Uchiha and made a bridge from all the girls in his harem. All of them pretty much willingly obliged when they heard they could be of help to their 'Naruto-kun.' _They need Jesus._

 _Pretty sure I need Jesus._

Anyways, wit al the power of a bed grammer stoy, I SHALL CONTINU!

Tell me to my face you can read a story that sounds like that sentence and put 'OMG UPDATTE MY DICK IS HARD AS FUCK FOR YOUR LACK OF LETTERS' in the reviews.

As I walked into the forest, I noticed an overwhelming presence of unfamiliar territory all around. It felt as if, hundreds of eyes were all watching me. At least I hope so, I can't even get a single pair of eyes to look at my dog face back in real life.

 _*Cluck_

 _What?_

 _*Cluck *Cluck_

 _Is somebody clicking their tongue?_

 _*Cluck *Cluck *Cluck *Cluck *Cluck_

Okay, whoever is doing that is getting real bloody close. And frankly, I'm not interested in finding out… They could be dogs, trap listeners who can't understand anything other than unintelligible rabble in music then proceed to constantly call it lit, or EVEN *Extreme shudder, AMERICAN FEMINISTS. OH NO… wait, I identify as a helicopter they can't do shit.

 ** _*Cluck_**

With one final click, one deeper than the rest, all the sounds simply stopped. The silence was deafening until I heard a loud rustle to the bushes in front.

Out of all the things, this was something I did NOT expect. What appeared to be some sort of giant yellow hedgehog was standing in front of me. It had the most autistic look on its face since the time of COD players. Some sort of sickly sweet smile that promised pain to all who dared to offend it was there for all to see. Weirdly, it had the words 'Gaztons The Commander' written on its stomach.

Right away, hundreds of smaller rustles resounded from all around me. With them, smaller red and blue versions of the magnificent beast came storming into the forest clearing. All with similar looks on their faces.

"Um…*cluck?"

 _I have no idea why the fuck I just did that._

"Hi-"

" **Do you know da wae?"** One of the red hedgehogs questioned.

"The fuck is 'da wae', it sounds like some sort crack-"

 **"HE DOES NOT KNOW DA WAE"**

 _Oh shit._

 **"SPIT ON HIM, MY BRUDDAHS."**

 _Wait no. KAMUI PLEASE._

 **"ACCHHH - PTOO," "AAACCHKKKK - PTTOOEY," "PTOO"…**

 _OH GOD IT'S IN MY FUCKING EYES._

 _…_

 _WHY IS KAMUI NOT WORKING_

What the actual fuck was this place? Jesus Christ if Fiore had this tribe of whatever the fuck, that means they were in Mashima's world building notes. Oh for those of you OC writers that means notes of your magic and shit that you write before the actual story. NOW YOU KNOW.

"YES I KNOW DA WAE!" My desperate shouts seemed to halt all the spitting, fortunately only some actually got onto me otherwise I would have killed myself.

All the smaller hedgehogs looked up to their 'leader?' before looking back at me.

 **"Do not spit, we must pray for dis one."** The monstrous yellow creature turned abruptly before running into the forest with its arms flailing behind its back.

 _Well shit, what the fuck is da wae ehniwae?_

Following the beast of mental illness, I ended up in a clearing with a temple-like structure decorated with hundreds of carvings resembling their species.

 _I sincerely hope I am not getting sacrificed…TO THE LORD AND SAVIOUR DONALD TRUMP._

As we arrived to the a platform, Gaztons turned towards me, where even more of the hedgehogs were behind.

" **This is a sacred ritual in Uganda that will bring good harvests. We must not make mistakes or there will be no good raids, understood?"**

"Sureee?

 _Oh no._

 **"ahhhhhhhhHHhhhHhhhHHHhHHH-"** a weird chant resounded all across the temple, its pitch slowly getting higher and higher.

 _OH NO._

 **"ahhHHHHhHHHHhhhHHHHHHhHHhHHH-"** more and more of the hedgehogs joined in, its pitch getting higher still.

O H N O.

 **"AHHHHhHHHHHHHHhhHHHHHHHHHHHH-"** what seemed like some sort of autistic cacophony blasted my ears; my IQ slowly getting lower and lower.

"I C-CAN'T…S-STAND IT!" There was nothing I could do, I feel as if my ability to teleport and use my powers were completely sapped by this satanic chanting.

 _KAMUI JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE._

With a swirling vortex, I was gone.

* * *

As I came to, I realized I was underneath some sort of large oak tree.

 _Holy hell, that was a doozy! Fuck hedgehogs man._

"Where the fuck am I?" _I need some alcohol._

 _Vodka please._

A nice big 1L bottle of Ciroc appeared in front of me. With no hesitation, I popped its cap off prepared to down its contents.

 _Oh wait, I need to dump Jellal at Fairy Tail first._

Standing up, I looked around the area to figure out where I was; conveniently, it was in Magnolia.

 _Easy peezy lemon squeezy hehe xd lmao :)_

Okay that was gay as fuck, sorry.

As I teleported to the guild, I peaked through the windows to see if Erza was actually in there. The familiar tuft of red hair accompanied by a steel plate body and plate skirt answered my question.

 _Hehe._

 _Kamui, take Jellal out, oh and do it - bondage style._

A swirling vortex combined with golden portals came to life in front, and with it, the familiar blue-haired dick cheese dropped onto the floor.

"Sup m8." I greeted nonchalantly.

"MMmmMMM-MMmM." Despite the angry mage's effort, he could only make muffling sounds and flop around like he's having a seizure.

 _Yeah I ship Jerza, take my tide pods away and force me to just survive and not live in this endless existential torment why don't you._

This was the only way, in canon, Jellal was some depressed snowflake drunk on guilt and Erza was like fuck your feelings just fuck me.

Giving an evil look to the bound mage just around the corner, I knocked on the door and called out.

"HEY! MENSTRATION HEAD, REMEMBER ME? YEAH YOU DO, KILL YOURSELF PLEASE."

Almost instantaneously, frantic foot steps clattered loudly as the sounds approached the doors.

The door opened with such force that you could practically hear the animosity.

Of course, I ran around the corner just in time for her to begin chase.

 _This should set up canon nicely._

I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and wrote 'Enjoy - Minipa,' before making my way to where I hid Jellal.

Patting the piece of paper on the still struggling mage's head, I hid behind a nearby stack of random garbage.

 _Wait what are these papers? 'Kai's Dragon Slayer Chronicles?' No wonder its in the garbage…WAIT I JUST TOUCHED IT._

As soon as Erza turned, she made the most shocking face known to man, her face and hair was no longer distinguishable from one another as she immediately picked up my little present and ran into the sunset.

"MMMMFMMMFMFMFMF," terrified blue eyes met mine as my victim disappeared into the distance.

 _Well shit. Anyways, time for Vodka._

Glugluglugluglug…

In seconds, I downed the entire bottle of Slavic goodness.

*Plop

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 **Chapter 10 Done! Next Chapter: 3-Year Drunken Hiatus**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	12. CH11 - 3-Year Drunken Hiatus

**Chapter 11 - 3-Year Drunken Hiatus**

 **Don't drink and drive kids…**

* * *

I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and wrote 'Enjoy - Minipa,' before making my way to where I hid Jellal.

Patting the piece of paper on the still struggling mage's head, I hid around the corner.

As soon as Erza turned, she made the most shocking face known to man, her face and hair was no longer distinguishable from one another as she immediately picked up my little present and ran into the sunset.

"MMMMFMMMFMFMFMF," terrified blue eyes met mine as my victim disappeared into the distance.

 _Well shit. Anyways, time for Vodka._

Glugluglugluglug…

In seconds, I downed the entire bottle of Slavic goodness.

 _Bad idea._

*Plop

* * *

 _Shit…_

 _Shit…_

 _Shieeeeet….._

 _Cyka Blyat….._

I feel like I just stumbled into a college safe space wearing a Trump hat…

"G-god…Damn!" The throbbing in my head drowned out like literally all the sounds.

 _Uuuhuhhhohohh_

Okay, what the fuck happened? I remember some autistic hedgehogs and then…nothing.

 _Wait…_

What is this mushy stuff under me? It feels connected to me somehow. Seriously, I can't even get up, it feels like my head is being sat on my Tumblr feminists. Damn.

 _What year is it…_

 ** _X784._**

X784? OH SHIT! That's the start of canon! What the actual fuck happened?

 _What the fuck happened the last 3 years?_

 ** _Quite a bit, but most of that is because you were being a dummy-head._**

Well… shit _. Dummy head? The Fuck?_ What the fuck did I even do? Other than my head, nothing really hurts; how did I live life for 3 years and get a hangover after that long? Well whatever, plot's not important.

 ** _Also you're married, to 4 of the Fairy Tail girls and one man._**

 _WHAT. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN._

 ** _You know all those Mary Sue OC's?_**

 _…Yeah?_

 ** _You literally became one of them as soon as you woke up on the ground._**

 _Wait… did you just say ONE MAN!?_

 ** _Yes._**

Okay, I have no idea what the fuck was going on but no way am I going down in history as a gay ass faggot. Killing myself is already on the to-do list because a harem somehow happened. Great, now I have to find divorce papers or maybe just never go to Fairy Tail and disappear.

 _Wait, where am I? Oh wait book you sound a lot calmer for a reason, you would usually act like a living cancer cell._

 ** _Let's just say I'm actually a female and… you know where I'm going with this right?_**

 _NO. FUCKING. WAY._

 ** _Yes, you can be quite charming if you want to._**

Okay this is bad. This was a major fuckery in my plans. First, I have a massive hungover, second, a BOOK SOMEHOW HAS A FUCKING GENDER - hey 2018, we shouldn't judge right? Even inanimate objects can identify as what they want - third, WHY CAN'T I MOVE MY ARMS.

Looking around, I noticed I was in some sort of BDSM costume, tied to a bedpost.

 _HELL NAW, KAMUI GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE._

Instantly, I was warped out of my constraints and popped out in Magnolia.

 _Oh shit I'm naked!_

Instead of putting on clothes, I decide to retrieve a giant horse costume and wear that as a disguise. Now, nobody would ever find me.

 _Also book I'm breaking up with you._

 ** _WHAT WHY?!_**

 _Cause you're a fucking book WHY ELSE._

 ** _I HAVE A FEMALE HUMAN FORM I CAN USE._**

 _It's not you it's me._

 ** _Did you really just say that?_**

 _Yes._

And then there was silence.

If that leathery bitch does the passive-aggressive silent shit on me I will use my AUTHORITAH.

 _BOOK I COMMAND YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THE YEAR, MONTH, DAY, AND TIME IS._

 ** _X784, July 4, 12:01am… also fuck you and I hate you and I hope you get whatever is coming to you. You will never find anyone as good as me and you will be lonely for the rest of your life and-_**

 _Yeah no._

Oh hey it's the 4th of July. JOKES I'M IN CANADA, SUCK ON MY FAT MOOSE BALLS WITH MAPLE SYRUP YE FAT STUPID AMERICANS. Also it's the start of canon, now I can truly fuck with people. If people actually think I'm THEY'RE husband I'm going to pull the evil twin bullshit.

 _My evil twin name shall be… KAI SAPPHIRE, PERFECT._

Anyways, now that I'm in Magnolia and I am completely hidden due to my tactical cover, I shall be able to blend in and sneak around.

 _It's the dead of night, so there shouldn't be anyone here._

As I walked around the sleeping town, I noticed a bunch of cool shit lying on the ground; instead of being a good Samaritan I took everything and wobbled into the darkness.

Now, what should I do to pass the time? I don't think canon starts until the late morning today so I got a good 8ish hours to do whatever. Oh right, I need to drink water.

Instantly, I jumped into a nearby fountain and began swallowing while dipping the horse head in and out.

 _Alright, that's good._

Jumping out, I walked right pass a familiar girl with the most shocked face in the world. Instead of saying something, I pushed the white-haired girl who's randomly walking at midnight for some weird fucking reason right into the fountain.

"See ya bitch!"

Then I ran off into the night.

* * *

After running for about 12 minutes, I stopped in front of a closed grocery store and decided to Kamui myself in - because I was hungry. I don't think anybody would care I'm shop lifting because security cameras aren't a thing right now.

Instead of taking vegetables or healthy food, I dumped my horse mask onto an open camp fire in the middle of the store and dropped in some delicious Kraft Dinner in the tears of my enemies. Then, I sat on a chair, waiting for my food to come to a boil.

 _BUT WHERE'S THE CHEESE._

There is no cheese, it's just as big of a lie as the cake itself. Rather unfortunate, but it is what it is.

Anyways, as the Kraft Dinner absorbed all of the liquid, I turned it into dust using Ea and snorted all of it like crack.

"AUHHHH!" That hit the spot. My body felt energized, the horse mask was unintentionally inhaled as well, causing a great imbalance in the force.

Also The Last Jedi spoilers: No one fucking dies in the end, 'cept Luke :).

Anyways, now I was fully nourished and filled with energy, I needed to find something to do for the next 6-8 hours. Instead of sleeping like a regular person, I should browse memes while hating myself and calculate how much sleep I'll be getting. You know, just like those useless unmotivated university students that accept their own incompetence instead of actually studying. Which is totally me by the way. High five to all my future McDonalds co-workers? Don't high five me if you got one of those gender studies degrees I don't want to be infected with more stupidity than I already have.

* * *

6 hours passed, and I simply sat in the exact same position as I did from last scene. I was simply thinking of all the different memes I could make that nobody would understand. What a way to live. Of course, the store would probably open soon so I should probably get out of here.

One Kamui later, I ended up close to the Fairy Tail guild hall, just in time to catch a familiar pinkie walking in with Lucy.

Heh heh heh, time to be an Ice Dragon Slayer named Kai.

2V1 ERIGOR LET'S GO!

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 **Chapter 11 Done! Next Chapter: It's time to F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fatalist ARC**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	13. CH12 - Fucking with Fairies Act III

**Chapter 12 - Fucking with Fairies Act 3**

6 hours passed, and I simply sat in the exact same position as I did from last scene. I was simply thinking of all the different memes I could make that nobody would understand. What a way to live. Of course, the store would probably open soon so I should probably get out of here.

One Kamui later, I ended up close to the Fairy Tail guild hall, just in time to catch a familiar pinkie walking in with Lucy.

Heh heh heh, time to be an Ice Dragon Slayer named Kai.

2V1 ERIGOR LET'S GO!

* * *

Hehe, time to make my grandest of all entrances. Of course, what should I actually do? If I fuck around with everyone, it might actually start getting boring. _No! Don't think like that!_ Trolling, getting boring? BLASPHEMY of the highest degree.

Hmm, I guess there are some alternatives of my entrance.

One: Act like I don't know anyone and pretend to be an OC Dragon slayer… _oh right I'm not a dragon slayer._ Okay, I'll just go in and pretend I am a regular OC. If that's the case, then what should my name be? _Ryuka Ryu?_ A name with the word Ryu is pretty generic, I'll blend right in!

Two: Go in and hope for the best. Considering it's been three years since I have been there… _wait._ If I am married to THREE of them. They will probably recognize me right away. Damn, I will definitely need to change my face with some face changer item or some other shit.

Three: Take someone else's identity. Not like it's going to be very hard considering Fairy Tail is literally the gravitational epic center for garbage Mary Sue OC's.

Four: Just go in and adapt to whatever.

Hmm, decisions. Of course, no matter what I'd chose, I would never give up the memes. Otherwise I might as well just go and write another Naruto crossover where he gets wronged and shit.

Of course, while I walked down the road, I didn't even notice a trio running towards me.

"Husband!"

 _Fuck shit fuck._

As I looked towards the three of my… wives, I realized I did not recognize them at all. _Who the fuck are these people? I thought I 'married' Fairy Tail members._

"Uhhh Hi… you."

My greeting almost definitely offended the blonde girl as she looked at me with a shocked face.

"HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?!"

The interrobang at the end of her sentence was quite unwarranted.

"Yes, who are you again?"

"I'm Hikari Dragneel!" _Hikari Dragneel?_

Oh no…

OH NO…

O H N O…

O H N O!

I silently shifted my stare to the other two, who were also unrecognizable and retard looking.

"Oh yeah, I want a divorce."

All three girls had eyes as wide as saucers as my words stunned them into a comical silence.

You know that feeling when you know you said something wrong? Well this wasn't one of them because I don't give a shit if I offend some useless girl OC's.

"Laters, also kill yourself." With that parting farewell, I continued walking towards the guild, but not before magically shifting my face to one completely unrecognizable because reasons. Also I took a huge dump in that plot hole of me being able to shape shift so that counts because shit-fixing is what all SIOC authors do anyway.

Anyways, I heard three descending screams that were both shrill and filled with despair, ending with a splash of water. _Well shit, they actually killed themselves._ Oh well, nobody will miss them anyway. Natsu doesn't need some grandstanding little sister to take away battles from him. She's probably adopted anyway considering they don't even look alike. What is with OC's and adopted siblings? It's like they don't have the imagination to think of a blood relation so they just say fuck it, adopted.

 _Guess they are just writing according to their own circumstance… but I digress._

As I neared the familiar door underneath Fairy Tail symbol, I simply waltzed right in instead of knocking like a polite person. Fuck politeness, that shit breeds extreme shyness and fucks people over because they no longer can speak up for themselves. Fuck those guys, damn.

Of course, I entered to another drunken ass party. _Is Lucy already here? Or did she go off to Hakobe already?_

"SUP CUNTS!" I screamed, getting the attention of half the guild.

"Why did you lot answer? I didn't say your names."

Suddenly, a cacophony of angry drunk slurs and banging of furniture resounded all throughout the guild hall. People ran over each other trying to get to me and instead opted to beat each other up for getting in their ways.

 _Holy shit these guys are monkeys!_

Anyways, time to ask if Natsu is here.

"Does anyone know if Natsu is here?"

The orchestra of disgruntled noises continued to reverberate in the guild hall.

As the orgy of still-framed side characters punched each other, I made my way to the bar counter, where Mirajane stood, smiling sweetly despite the chaos.

"Give me twenty-four shots of Vodka, stat."

The girl stared at me incredulously, bamboozled at my request.

"Are you sure? That's quite-"

"Did I fucking stutter?"

"O-okay!" The barmaid hastily zoomed back and forth the shelves, trying to find a nice big bottle of Vodka.

 _Ciroc?_ I looked at the bottle the busty woman grabbed; good thing it wasn't piss like Smirnoff… miss me with that gay shit.

As she readied up the shot glasses, I turned back towards the carnage, half the hall was down to splinters and there were holes in the wall that were 101% not there when I entered. _Jesus bloody Christ._ Seriously, who pays for this? There was no way they are insured because they would get denied any sort of coverage due to their destructive history. Somebody was probably rich as bloody hell in the guild. Maybe it was Gildarts? I mean, if he went on S-class and 10-year quests regularly he's sure to bring in a couple million right? That has to be it otherwise these guys would be bankrupt before canon even started.

*Plop, clink! X24

Twenty-four shot glasses filled with vodka were all lined up in front of me. Instead of drinking them one by one like some fucking pussy, I grabbed all of them because I was secretly a radioactive octopus, downed all the vodka including the shot glasses, in a single second.

I could only smile in satisfaction as I saw the look of horror on the white-haired girl's face.

Oh yeah then I barfed all over her face because my liver exploded.

"T-the name's Ryu, Kai Ryu, but you can call me… Caillou, the little boy."

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 **Chapter 12 Done! Next Chapter: Fuck Erigor**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Minipa, out!**


	14. CH13 - Eisenwald? More like Gay

C **hapter 13 - Eisenwald? More like Gay**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!**

* * *

As she readied up the shot glasses, I turned back towards the carnage, half the hall was down to splinters and there were holes in the wall that were 101% not there when I entered. _Jesus bloody Christ._ Seriously, who pays for this? There was no way they are insured because they would get denied any sort of coverage due to their destructive history. Somebody was probably rich as bloody hell in the guild. Maybe it was Gildarts? I mean, if he went on S-class and 10-year quests regularly he's sure to bring in a couple million right? That has to be it otherwise these guys would be bankrupt before canon even started.

*Plop, clink! X24

Twenty-four shot glasses filled with vodka were all lined up in front of me. Instead of drinking them one by one like some fucking pussy, I grabbed all of them because I was secretly a radioactive octopus, downed all the vodka including the shot glasses, in a single second.

I could only smile in satisfaction as I saw the look of horror on the white-haired girl's face.

Oh yeah then I barfed all over her face because my liver exploded.

"T-the name's Ryu, Kai Ryu, but you can call me… Caillou, the little boy."

* * *

Mirajane simply deadpanned at me, as if completely expecting my answer…

"Is your name really Kai?"

 _Oh shit, does she know of my DECEPTION!?_

"Alright, you got me, how did you know it wasn't my name?" The white-haired maiden simply perked up in thought, pondering her almost-obvious answer.

"Well, we already have 12 Kai's, and 8 of them actually had different names and were mentally insane."

 _Insane?_

"Oh? How so?" This was getting interesting! Not only are there more OC's for me to BLOODY MURDER, but 8 of them were SIOC's? I can't wait to use the power of memes and lackluster writing to blast them straight to Detroit.

"They think they're from a different world and we're all book characters or something… " The girl trailed off. "Oh but don't worry! They are safely strapped in an asylum where they will spend the rest of their days!"

"HA!" My sudden laughter made everyone's neck violently turn towards me.

* _Crack_

"ARGH, MY FOCKING NECK MATE."

 _Sucks to be you, ya smelly virgin._

"Not going to lie, that's almost as funny as pushing people into fountains while wearing a horse mask."

The barmaid simply stared at me, her expression seemingly vacant despite her everlasting smile.

"THAT WAS YOU?!"

Just as she was about to jump me, a familiar scarlet-haired girl burst through the guild doors.

"OH SHIT IT'S ERZA!" I looked towards the voice, seeing Natsu and Gray with Lucy standing near.

 _Wait were they there the whole time? The fuck happened to Hakobe and the mansion job?_

Well not going to complain, those arcs are always the most fucking annoying to read through in OC fics. Just like… the DREADED WAVE ARC, GOD NO PLEASE, MY EYEEESS.

She went on and on about stupid shit for a good five minutes before finally getting to the people around me.

"… Jesus Christ women how can you expect to get a goddamned husband if you won't shut the fuck up." I muttered to the people surrounding me, only for Mirajane to nod and reply.

"I think of that question too… " _I see all that bubbly kindness didn't replace her sass._

"That armour is probably to protect her ever-following virginity." Mirajane looked distraught at my comment, shifting closer for a whisper.

 _"I would normally agree, but after she found that poor blue-haired boy, she's probably the furthest thing from a virgin… "_

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Kill yourself." My nonchalant reply only served to increase the fury directed at my being.

"That tone of voice, those 'memes', YOU ARE THE ONE FROM ALL THOSE YEARS AGO!"

 _Oh shit she remembers, wait I thought I married 4 Fairy Tail girls, oh thank god I probably changed my face._

"…"

"Out of curiousity, what did you do to Jellal?" It was as if the world itself changed. Everyone turned one by one towards me, shock plastered on their faces. _Is this where it's supposed to do that screen splitting thing?_ Holy shit that looks retarded in retrospect.

"YOU JUST POKED THE WASP NEST, EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT."

All of a sudden, her face, which was one of anger, suddenly contorted to the most disturbing, disgusting, demented, demon-like, and other descriptive-words-beginning-with-d rape face I have ever seen.

"You know what, don't tell me, I really don't need to know." _Great now I feel bad for Jellal._

I proceeded to get on the fuck outta this place before leaving one last remark.

"Just go stomp Eisenwald already." I walked towards the exit, but not before hearing the obsessive muttering from the redhead.

" _… then I plunged it deep inside, for eight hours straight I rode, he was drier than the even the driest of deserts when I…"_

JESUS CHRIST, I did NOT expect this, at all, I mean, who would have thought she had in in her? If Jellal is still in the world of the living maybe I should give him a gift basket or something - one filled with beauty products he can't use… hehe.

It seems that this was a reoccurring thing considering half the guild proceeded to run outside as well.

TIME SKIP 1 HOUR CAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT.

* * *

Okay, after pulling out my laptop to watch some good old trap hentai for one hour straight, the familiar team Natsu finally fucked off to whatever train station to combat Eisenwald.

 _Time to follow them and make another grand entrance…_

I put my fingers together like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons does and laughed manically into a happy sunset. Bet you thought it was going to be a storm weren't you? Well I can't control the weather you fucking idealistic swine.

Anyways I just skipped right past the station itself and went straight to where Natsu was supposed to fight Erigor.

 _What is that?_

There was a group of ninety-something people literally just waiting on the tracks.

"What's this fiesta shit for?"

One of the… rainbow-haired dual-coloured-eyes looked at me.

"Oh! We are all waiting for Natsu and Erigor so we can fight with him!"

 _Wait…_ rainbow-haired…

WAIT… heterochromia…

"NOW HOLD ON A SECOND HERE!" _These guys are all FUCKING OC'S!_

I had to make sure, if this is truly happening.

"WHO HERE IS AN ICE DRAGON SLAYER."

"Me," "I AM," "I am, bub." "Yeah, what's it to ya?" "I am an Ice Dragon Slayer!" "COME HERE AND FIGHT ME."

A series of confirmations introduced to me the list of generic OC personalities, shy girl, loud and dumb guy, emo faggot, oblivious lovable idiot, Natsu copy. Jesus Christ. I bet they are all licensed therapists too.

ALL OF THEM, ARE ICE DRAGON SLAYERS.

"WHAT'S YOUR DRAGON NAMES?"

"Nexus!" "Glacia!" "Icia!" "Ice Dragon King: Cryos!" "Frozo!" "Viserion!"

And all the dragon names! All fucking puns of ice, and a goddamned Game of Thrones rip off as well.

 _Okay, I can't let this pass._

"HEY LOOK IT'S AN ICE DRAGON IN THE SKY!" I threw my finger towards the air.

Every single fucking girl, boy, half-demon, hermaphrodite, or whatever the fuck looked at where I pointed, giving me enough time to warp them all into the bowels of hell with Kamui.

*Zoop

The world… has been cleansed.

"Who the fuck are you?" A voice from the sky caught my attention.

I turned around to face the ugly son of a bitch. _Erigor…_

"Train inspector, I'm making sure the integrity of the tracks are kept, you mind dying in a ditch somewhere? You are impeding my work."

Grunting, Erigor landed in front of me, a sadistic smile on his face. Of course, I didn't give him a chance to monologue some new-age crystal shit as I punted him straight in the nut sac.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ZI PENYA." The Lion King suddenly started playing in tandem to Erigor's scream of agony.

And everything turned out all right.

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 **Chapter 13 Done! Next Chapter: A Canonical Cacophony**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations! I'm putting the Trope Discussions in video series form! First video will be out by tomorrow!**

 **Minipa, out!**


	15. CH14 - Bloody FuCk

**Chapter 14 - Bloody FuCk**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations!**

 **Part I of Video Series is out! Go on youtube and put the following in the url: watch?v=FyMKFVSZCLM**

 **I just found my old notes of the Sage of Tail Fairy too! I removed it cause I was being an autistic raging asshole, but I removed _those_ parts and am planning to repost the story :)**

* * *

Every single fucking girl, boy, half-demon, hermaphrodite, or whatever the fuck looked at where I pointed, giving me enough time to warp them all into the bowels of hell with Kamui.

*Zoop

The world… has been cleansed.

"Who the fuck are you?" A voice from the sky caught my attention.

I turned around to face the ugly son of a bitch. _Erigor…_

"Train inspector, I'm making sure the integrity of the tracks are kept, you mind dying in a ditch somewhere? You are impeding my work."

Grunting, Erigor landed in front of me, a sadistic smile on his face. Of course, I didn't give him a chance to monologue some new-age crystal shit as I punted him straight in the nut sac.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ZI PENYA." The Lion King suddenly started playing in tandem to Erigor's scream of agony.

And everything turned out all right.

* * *

You know that phrase, die the hero or live to be the villain or some other shit?

So I killed over ninety dumb OC's literally waiting to fight with Natsu. There's probably more but likely they fell from collateral damage, not my problem because 911 is an inside job.

THEN, I ended up sac-crunching Erigor so hard he broke the 4th wall and started randomly singing the Lion King theme song.

 _Oh how it all comes back._

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" A shrill/annoying voice sounded from the other side of the tracks.

 _Oh wait, that's Natsu._

"Oh hey pinky buddy, how's the dumpster dive?"

"How's the dump-" Completely forgetting Erigor, the anthro'd pinkie pie rushed me and tried to fight me, again.

"I'll show you dumpster diving! Happy get him!"

"AYE!"

Did he just send his cat at me? Well whatever I'm not complaining he's a goddamned CAT!

"Alright, come at me you autistic troglodyte!"

 _Wait where did he go?_

Happy suddenly faded into nothing like a horrible transition from windows movie maker, only to suddenly reappear behind me.

"Omae Wa," Happy spoke in his happy kitty voice, _WAIT WHAT NO._ "Mou Shindeiru."

 _I'm not saying Nani. I'm not saying Nani. I'm not saying Nani. I'm not saying Nani. I'm not saying Nani._

Damn it! I could feel my chest about to explode, my resistances slowly breaking down… NOOOOOOOOOOO.

"Nani?!"

And with that, I completely dieded in every way possible. Except I already switched positions with Natsu with Kamui moments prior, PSYCHE.

Happy and I looked down at the completely mangled body of the dragon slayer, his idiotic smile still on his face.

"Well nice, you just killed the whole plot of Fairy Tail." The cat simply turned slowly towards me.

"What plot?"

BA DUM TS - *Laugh track from the 80's as big bang theory starts playing*

* * *

After Happy and I dumped Natsu's dead body into the dumpster that was conveniently balanced perfectly on one of the supports below the track, we proceeded to walk back towards the guild.

 _Wait what about Lullaby? Did they still beat that woody piece of shit?_

Whatever, not my problem.

Anyways onwards towards the guild!

* * *

What was the next arc after this one again? Oh yeah, Makarov died. Like seriously died. Apparently Lullaby got its song off and murderfucked everyone at the meeting place. Imagine that, dying from a song that isn't the ear rape mumble rap shit of today.

No idea where the other team Natsu - _or is it team Lucy? -_ were though, but it seems that they were perfectly fine.

So what is going to happen now? Natsu is dead, Makarov is dead, probably some other random assholes are dead, as well as some celebrity that no one gives a shit about until they are dead.

 _Ehh I'll just go back to the guild_ , _KAMUI._

The familiar swirly air anus came out again, sucking me in and shitting me out right in the middle of the guild hall, where people were doing regular guild hall shit.

"Bad news everyone, Natsu and the master died."

A collective gasp came across the guild, glasses shattered and the sound of silence radiated all across the atmosphere.

"Oh and he named me fourth master," I said, taking out a fake will saying that I am the new master.

"Well okay."

"Sure?"

"Meh, whatever."

Wow, I was expecting more resistance, well Laxus it really sucks to be you now HAH!

So what sort of shit should I do now? I already fucked with everyone, don't want shit to get too repetitive. I mean cancer is still cancer but I need some new material here. Maybe I can start introducing random side story lines featuring other OC's? _Nah_ , that's going to be like how to waste 10,000 words on a useless character that is about as relevant as a virginity tester at the comic con.

"I'M NOT DEAD!" A familiar voice of a dragon slayer came booming from the guild entrance. How the fuck was that guy still alive? I saw all his organs splatter out! Seriously though, what the fuck did Happy even do to be able to do that?

"You know what? I'm not even surprised, if you ever decide to shed that plot armour, maybe your life would actually be a compelling story." Natsu glared at me, with every part of his body intact.

"I came back! So I can KICK YOUR ASS!" Once again, he charged. _This is getting as repetitive as the 1000% POWER NAKAMA CUMBLASTING FINAL CHAPTER GOKU SPIRIT BOMB SHIT._

Welp, he was never going to learn so there was only one thing left I could have possibly done in this situation.

*Horrible nutcracker dubstep remix plays*

You know where I'm going with this right?

Frieza ain't finding those dragon balls now.

Anyways, what arc was next? Phantom Lord? Hold on brb, checking the manga. OH RIGHT. Galuna! A funny arc not going to lie, although definitely one of the shittier ones IN MY HONEST OPINION.

*Angry mob noises*

"Oh yeah, Natsu, you guys totally fucked up and Makarov died (I think?), so I'm the new master now."

"WHAT!" The shocked dragon slayer could do nothing but stare at me in shock and full of shock and more shock as he was shocked to his nut-less core.

"Okay, so my first order as Fairy Tail's 4th master is…"

Everyone looked at me in anticipation, beads of sweat dropping from dozens of nameless mages as I purposely held my silence for dramatic effect.

"THE PROHIBITION OF ALCOHOL!"

A beat.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEE **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!** " The entire guild (except happy) screeched autistic-ly and Cana, who had been drinking - _what a goddamned surprise -_ suddenly widened her eyes like I just pissed all over the Mother Teresa of spirits and began foaming at the mouth.

"ALLAHU ACKBAR!?"

 ***BOOM***

Random members of the guild (don't worry they are mainly OC's and irrelevant people - like YOU - JK), began exploding in tandem as turbans magically appeared on their heads and randomly started hating on gay people.

 _I mean I'm not trying to be offensive but that's literally what's happening right now, I'm like inception level high now._

"Okay, calm your freaking titties, JUST because you can't drink anymore-"

" **PURGE THE HERETICS!** " Gildarts, who should have been on the 100-year-quest, suddenly returned in god-knows-what armour, and began charging at me with a massive chain saw completely made of frozen vodka.

 _Is this even real?_

The entire guild was suddenly in disarray, swear words were being thrown around like some sort of voodoo game session hosted by Russian sailors. Maybe banning alcohol isn't that good of an idea? Everyone was basically a S-Class alcoholic and we're _this_ close on becoming a dark guild.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I HEREBY UNBAN ALCOHOL, HAPPY?!"

"Aye?" What?

With that, everyone stopped flipping straight up unadulterated shit and went back to what they were doing, minus the evidence of wonton destruction of course. Okay, blame Natsu.

"Before we continue, can we get a show of hands to pin all the responsibility of… _this_ to Natsu?" As expected, everyone raised their hands, Natsu too cause apparently he was a complete retard.

Wait, will Galuna even happen? I remember Natsu wanted to prove to the master he was S-Class, and since the master was dead, then there was no need for that. _Right?_ But then again, this is a SIOC story so might as well follow the bandwagon and make it fatalist.

"Hey Natsu!"

"What?!"

I Kamui'd upstairs and grabbed the Galuna quest - _7,000,000J, nice!_ \- and threw it to the guy with absolute indestructible gonads. I meant, it was a piece of paper it just awkwardly floated down. "Can you do this Galuna quest?"

"Hey, I was planning to steal this later tonight!" _What an honest guy!_

With a quick Kamui and golden portal, I took a sword and proceeded to do the medieval knighting ceremony. "I hereby dub thee, S-Class mage!"

"YES! HELL YES! I'M AN S-CLASS MAGE! SUCK IT GRAY!"

"Oh yeah, take Gray with you on the mission, I'm promoting him to Executive S Class which is an imaginary tier with no extra privileges but it's got an executive before it so it's got to be better. Oh, and grab Lucy too!"

"…"

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

.

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 **Chapter 14 Done! Next Chapter: Rage of Laxus and some more gay shit**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations!**

 **Minipa, out!**


	16. CH15 - Rage of Laxus Gay Shit

**Chapter 15 - Rage of Laxus + Gay Shit**

 **My god, when I feel as if I completely ran out of juice to fuel the almighty cancer that is this story, I prove myself wrong.**

 **When I feel as if there that I cannot make something worse than this story, someone ELSE manages to prove me wrong. The only thing left for me to do, as a secret weapon to make this story the biggest pile of shit since Ice Dragon Slayer stories, is to make it fatalist.**

 **But then again, I'll be infected with acute autism as hundreds of people tell me to update and also on how compelling and original my story is despite it just being textualized canon.**

 **HAH! Normies, amirite? Anyways, get your chemo ready, the ride's about to start!**

 **AAAAAAAAYYYYYIIIIII.**

* * *

"Hey Natsu!"

"What?!"

I Kamui'd upstairs and grabbed the Galuna quest - _7,000,000J, nice!_ \- and threw it to the guy with absolute indestructible gonads. I meant, it was a piece of paper it just awkwardly floated down. "Can you do this Galuna quest?"

"Hey, I was planning to steal this later tonight!" _What an honest guy!_

With a quick Kamui and golden portal, I took a sword and proceeded to do the medieval knighting ceremony. "I hereby dub thee, S-Class mage!"

"YES! HELL YES! I'M AN S-CLASS MAGE! SUCK IT GRAY!"

"Oh yeah, take Gray with you on the mission, I'm promoting him to Executive S Class which is an imaginary tier with no extra privileges but it's got an executive before it so it's got to be better. Oh, and grab Lucy too!"

"…"

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

* * *

Okay so Natsu is S-Class, Gray is _executive_ S-Class, and they are off to Galuna by themselves. Wait, it took everyone, _including_ Erza to win Galuna, can those guys even do it? Actually nah I don't give a shit they can suck a fat dick for all I care.

Does this mean Tenrou is gone now? Makarov is dead, there's no need for an S-Class trial considering the main characters are already S-Class - wait except Lucy, but no one gives a shit about Lucy.

"Are they back from Galuna yet?"

"Master, they left literally ten seconds ago…" Mirajane replied.

"Don't you give me any lip! I'm kicking you out of Fairy Tail" Her face exploded into shock and anger, as if someone took her collection of anal beads and gave them all to Erza, and returned them… _used._ Sometimes I make myself cringe JESUS.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, go be a hooker or something."

You know, I always thought the barmaid would be a nice girl, but now I understand how Natsu felt considered I just felt my nuts be the star of a hydraulic press YouTube channel.

"AHHHHHH MARGARET FUCKING THATCHER'S UNFLUSHED TOILET, BITTTTTCHH!"

"I ain't leaving shit!"

"Fine… but your S-Class is revoked, final decision!"

 _Heh, this time I used Kamui._

Try as she might, Hitler would be the only one with one testicle THIS time. Anyways, time to follow nut-less and dick-less on their little 'adventure.'

* * *

While on the way, I saw a bunch of people biking up the roads, slowing down traffic. Of course, being the good Samaritan that I am, I Kamui'd all of them into the sewage treatment system where they belong, causing cheers from all the spectators.

"ALL HAIL THE NEW MASTER OF FAIRY TAIL!"

"Thank you, thank you! Fuck those assholes amirite?" Being the master is easier than losing gains with crossfit!

Oh yeah for those of you here that actually do crossfit, the fuck is with those seizure chin ups? Seriously, if you're going to do an autism re-enactment might as well go to the fanfiction page, put on OC's, and then sort by most reviews. Heh.

Hmm, might as well go check on the retard regiment at Galuna.

 _Kamui, take me AWAY._

* * *

Now what is going on in Galuna? Do you guys think if I tried hard enough I could open a strip club that exclusively serves amnesiacs demons?

 _Heh, or amnesiac HALF-demons, or basically the next tier of shit OC's, HAH!_

Anyways, I popped up into existence in front of the village of fatalism, and looked around, drinking multiple cans of Red Bull as I did so.

"Who are you?"

Oh? That must have been the village leader. _Oh shit it's still day, that means they are still in human form… okay time to check._

"Are you human or demon?"

"Human of course!"

I looked to the side, seeing some random white-haired girl that was _not_ any of the Strauss's, had a Fairy Tail symbol, AND had demon horns. _Seriously? Another one?_

Sighing, I walked towards the girl.

"What are you, a half-demon?"

The girl looked up to me in surprise, before shouting in the shrillest, most SENPAI-NOTICE-ME voice that has ever existed, _period._ "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" _Yeap, call it the cancer radar, it's unnecessarily accurate for some reason I cannot fathom._

"So uh, I've never seen you in the guild before…"

"WAIT, YOU'RE FROM FAIRY TAIL?" _My cancer radar is beeping pretty damned hard now._

"STOP SHOUTING JESUS CHRIST!"

"I'm sorry but I always wanted to join Fairy Tail, the guild appeared in my dreams whenever I dream of a dragon and-" _No, fucking, way._

"Wait, wait, so you're a half-demon, and you're not even IN the fucking guild…" I walked closer, ready to Kamui at a moments notice. "How the fuck do you have the mark?" As soon as I asked that, I suddenly lost the ability to move and speak, completely at the mercy of the girl's words.

"Oh, it's a tragic tale of epic and unnecessary proportions! First, I had dozens of siblings in a far-off country that was in a constant state of warfare, my human father was taken in by the dictator, flayed and tortured to death as I was forced to watch, my mom was raped by beast hybrids and one of them was a demon, which resulted in me! Then, my siblings were all taken as child soldiers, gladiators, child sex slaves, and after their use was over, they were buried alive, set on fire, and then fed to other children! After that, I was teleported by a random dragon that saw my woes and took pity on me! THEN she trained me as a demon dragon ALL-slayer, before disappearing altogether, in which I found myself in Galuna, and I was raised here ever since by the village! Then, I learned of Fairy Tail, carrying on the infinite hatred I have for the country, that I conveniently forgot about that would no doubt come back! I carved the symbol in my dreams with the dual katana's given to me by my dragon mom, then cauterized with the fires of hell itself! Now! I've been tasked to use the power of FRIENDSHIP to rid all of my problems _! " Jesus, Fucking, CHRIST, ALMIGHTY MY FUCKING EARS._

Finally, I found my ability to speak return. "Are you… a licensed therapist too?"

The girl took out a paper, indicating of her mastery of therapy, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, psychology, nuclear physics, theoretical physics, and just about every scientific field known to man out there.

"Yep! I'm going to use my knowledge and power to…" My heart skipped a beat, my body was drained of warmth as a void of hopelessness enveloped me. "PROTECT MY NAKAMA!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. DO NOT WANT.

"KAMUI!" I tried to Kamui myself away while doing the same to the other girl, into the sun, only to widen my eyes as it didn't work.

"Oh!" The girl began with a crazed smile. "I'm immune to all knowns magics and techniques!" _This… is IMPOSSIBLE, PLEASE!_ "Also, I can't let you leave," her eyes bored into my very soul. "You're supposed to be my pairing!"

"…"

"…"

 _YIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YAMETE, ITAI YO, ITAI YO!_

* * *

Now I'm back at the guild, and nothing happened. Yep, I casually walked away from the girl and nothing happened. _NOTHING._

"YOU?!" I looked back, seeing a familiar blonde fuckface screaming at me from the edge of the second floor of the guild hall of Fairy Tail of Magnolia of Fiore of Ishgar of Earthland. _Don't ask me why I did that just blame it on my lack of mental development as a child._

"Oh yea, your grandpa got offed by a sentient music instrument and I'm the new master of Fairy Tail!"

Oh boy, his veins are bulging so hard it looks like the infrastructure of Boston!

"WHAT?! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS!"

"Okay fine, I'll promote you to S _ **S**_ **-** Class Mage, Happy?"

Fagface looked at me, anger paused in favour of confusion. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah, Straight _**Shit**_ Mage! Enjoy your new title! Laters!" With that, I kamui'd some distance away.

To be honest, I was expecting Laxus to scream really, _really_ loudly. But instead, he dunked his head straight into the toilet and started making weird gargling sounds resembling all the most popular music of today. Damn that was anti-climatic.

Well anyways, I walked to Laxus, shoved the rest of his body into the toilet and flushed him down the drain, whispering to him as I did so.

" _Facts don't care about your feelings."_

.

.

.

.

 **Chapter 15 Done! Next Chapter: Phaggot Lord**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[A Hero's Becoming]**

 **[The Noble World]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing - BNHA]**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations!**

 **Minipa, out!**


	17. CH16 - Phaggot Lord

**Chapter 16 - Phaggot Lord**

 **Why am I still writing this?**

 **Oh right, to make fun of other Fanfiction and my own insecurities with as little effort as possible.**

 **Don't drink before reading this kids, otherwise you will regret it!**

 **...**

Now I'm back at the guild, and nothing happened. Yep, I casually walked away from the girl and nothing happened. _NOTHING._

"YOU?!" I looked back, seeing a familiar blonde fuckface screaming at me from the edge of the second floor of the guild hall of Fairy Tail of Magnolia of Fiore of Ishgar of Earthland. _Don't ask me why I did that just blame it on my lack of mental development as a child._

"Oh yea, your grandpa got offed by a sentient music instrument and I'm the new master of Fairy Tail!"

Oh boy, his veins are bulging so hard it looks like the infrastructure of Boston!

"WHAT?! I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS!"

"Okay fine, I'll promote you to S _ **S**_ **-** Class Mage, Happy?"

Fagface looked at me, anger paused in favour of confusion. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah, Straight _**Shit**_ Mage! Enjoy your new title! Laters!" With that, I kamui'd some distance away.

To be honest, I was expecting Laxus to scream really, _really_ loudly. But instead, he dunked his head straight into the toilet and started making weird gargling sounds resembling all the most popular music of today. Damn that was anti-climatic.

Well anyways, I walked to Laxus, shoved the rest of his body into the toilet and flushed him down the drain, whispering to him as I did so.

" _Facts don't care about your feelings."_

* * *

I don't know exactly how the sewage system worked in Magnolia but if the piping around the toilet was of any indication, Laxus would probably be back in a few days.

 _Hmm, that gives me a good window to work with._

What was after Galuna again? Oh right, Phaggot Lord. Jose and his gang of crossdressers ain't going to sell out in _MY_ house!

Now, how much shit do I actually have to change to completely derail cannon? Some of the bigger stuff is probably going to happen unless I murder like 12,000,000 people or nuke the capital. _I wonder…_

Don't think Gajeel of Shit Piercings 101 has vandalized my guild hall yet. _Wait, MY guild hall?_ Huh. All of a sudden I give a shit now, weird.

Oh yeah, here's a random fourth wall break for all your shit-eaters out there, this story is now a JUMP CHAIN AYYYYY! Of course, it's going to end with me dying horribly with lots of depression jokes. OMG THIS IS TOTALLY ME I CAN RELATE. Damn right you can, ye fat fucks.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE _EEEEEEEEE_ _ **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**_

Anyways, the goon squad should be back soon, that means Raditz- _wait, did I just refer to Gajeel as Raditz?_

 _'…'_

No. Am I being infected… with _AUTHOR BIAS?_ Harems! Yep that's a good idea, reasonable too considering all the girls can share... **NO.** NO! I CAN'T. Logic _must_ triumph! My ideas can be good but they also can very much be _BAD!_ But… what if I become a _dragon_ slayer. **NO! THESE THOUGHTS AREN'T MINE.** But it _feels so_ _ **GOOD!**_ Especially when I tell people giving me constructive criticism that I am a literary _mastermind_ with plans for EVERYTHING!

I _MUST… USE…_ _ **HONOURIFICS!**_

 **NO!** Unbeknownst to myself, I was seizing up on the floor like I'm doing some 80's dance. PLEASE! HAVE MERCY! I can't think all my ideas are good no matter what! I can't imagine all my reasoning is flawless… but bad grammar is just _so sexy!_

Wait. I widened my eyes so much I accidentally flayed half my face. Is this… **dark me?**

 **[Yes.]**

No! NO! **NO!** The most overdone piece of shit character development for an SI! A DARK SIDE! The most _unoriginal,_ _ **lackluster, OVERUSED**_ dual-voice talking bleach-copying CRAP!

 **[Let it happen...]**

OH GOD NO. I _need…_ the ELIXIR OF HOLY LIFE.

It's not holy water by the way, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER, _not that either._ I run to the center of Magnolia, went into Magic Walmart, and instantly went for the cleaning supplies. I took EVERY single jug of bleach and downed them within seconds.

In total? I consumed 1,698 liters of industrial-grade Clorox.

 **[Noooooooooo** _ **ooooo**_ ooooo…]

* * *

 _Ahh… I am myself again._ Also, bleach is my running gag so just let me have my beverage in peace, aite?

Perfect! Considering everyone left me convulsing in absolute agony for a good half a day, I have the entire guild to myself. Now, GAYjeel is due for some clubbi-

 ***WHAM* x 10**

Oh, there he is now! I'm going to say hi!

"Hey quit illegal-immigrant'ing my house you crap scrotum!" SUDDENLY, the vandalizer turned towards me, eyes filled with absolute hatred and - _Jesus fucking Christ I didn't even go all out why is he so pissed?!_

"How… HOW DID YOU KNOW I GOT INTO FIORE WITH AN EXPIRED VISA?!" I could see his eyes thinning to slits as his skin changed into metal. Of course, such a tactic would not work on me, for I am the all-powerful squirrel molester.

But seriously? Expired Visa? Christ, I wouldn't be surprised if the entire Phantom Lord guild ended up as undocumented miscreants of the highest caliber. _So what now?_

Was I supposed to fight him now? I mean, I already fucked the shit out of canon; killing Gajeel wouldn't really be funny unless I suffocate him in a copra-baptism pit. _Hmm…_

Whatever, I'll just send him to a gay bar or something.

 _KAMUI!_

 **Zoop!**

Just like that, the dragonslayer was instantly transported to… _alright, let's see where he is._ I widened my eyes to about 4cm because that's how much I could widen them. The fuck? If my calculations are indeed correct, Gajeel was about… _10 METERS UNDER ME?!_

Alright, I got to fucking see this. With that, I Kamui'd down.

In hindsight? I really shouldn't have.

* * *

"So." I addressed the blue-haired man in front of me.

"So." He addressed me back.

"This is what you do nowadays?" And here I thought Jellal was tied up permanently. Glad to see that Erza wasn't a complete psychopath.

"Yep. What you did basically made me lose all attraction to women."

Well, go figure. Also, there's a GODDAMNED STRIP CLUB UNDERNEATH THE GUILD, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MASHIMA WHAT IN MAO ZEDONG'S MAGNIFICIENT TESTICLES WERE YOU THINKING?!

Should I even be surprised? Mashima truly is the shining example of what humanity is capable of. _Actually nah, our entire species deserve to be extinct._

Anyways I'm done here.

"Alright you literal cocksuckers, I'm _outta_ here!" Now, before I leave. "Before I leave, 99.123456789% of your profit belongs to me now. Don't like it? Feel free to complain at this address." I handed a piece of paper to the owner, who was also Jellal.

The paper is empty of text and only has a middle finger on it by the way.

"Oh yeah! Enjoy your new employee!" I pointed at the dazed dragon slayer in a pile of chairs. Hundreds of scantily dressed men ran towards him; shouts done in falsetto filled the air as the metal man fought back valiantly. Obviously, he failed.

" **NOOOOOOOO!"**

Kamui away!

* * *

Of course, as soon as I got out of the hidden night club, I directed the entire sewage system of Magnolia straight through the ceiling of the room. All the exits are blocked of course. I also learned how to do anti-teleportation seals through the non-existent internet within 12 minutes. I'm sure you are wondering, what exactly happened after that?

Let's just say many screams could be heard. Then _gargling_ , LOTS of gargling. Jesus Christ… _so… much, GARGLING._ Oh yeah, Laxus managed to escape and he ended up becoming a plumber, who knew? Guess the guy turned over a new leaf.

Anyways, trauma aside, it was a new day, the guildhall was fixed by one day contracting that I hired. I didn't pay a single penny because I awakened my inner white mom and complained so much they gave up on over 1,000,000 Jewels. I mean really, that shit actually works!

So what now? Gajeel's mission is a flop, Jose's plan on beating… _me I guess?_ \- is completely fucked.

Did I just inadvertently retcon Phantom?

"…"

Come on, I'm a SELF-INSERT! I have to try to keep cannon the same even though I have absolutely no good reason to do so! _Wait, actually it's because the author sucks shit at original arc building and instead just wrote some dumb bullshit to keep canon the same._ Well, that's that, I guess.

I turned towards all the guild members in the hall, which numbered to be about 37.

"WHO WANTS TO COMMIT AN ACT OF TERRORISM?!"

Suddenly, an eruption of cheers and _extremely_ vocal agreements resounded throughout the guild. _Alright Jose, it's time for you to get DEPORTED._

.

.

.

.

 **Chapter 16 Done! Next Chapter: The followers of Magic Jesus**

 **Make sure you guys check out my other stories!**

 **Read my profile and join my Trope discussion forums!**

 **[ROTLB: The Birth of the Light Bringer]**

 **[ROTLB: Light of Fairies]**

 **[Chef Ramsay]**

 **[A God's Redemption]**

 **[A Hero's Becoming]**

 **[The Noble World]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing]**

 **[Minipa's Trope Discussion and How to not Suck Shit at Writing - BNHA]**

 **Check out my Youtube Channel: Panda Inspirations!**

 **Minipa, out!**


End file.
